Return to the United Kingdom or kiss the Blarney Stone goodbye

A couple of discoveries were made this weekend by researchers visiting the Blarney Stone. One was that there is chiselled into the stone the upside-down face of Brad Pitt. This was a jealously guarded secret by all of womankind which finally explains why so many of them tilt their head slightly to the left when kissing the stone. Isn't it funny how only the women knew it was there? The other discovery is that there is an eight-spoke cross on the underside of the stone with the letters HMGov. This is an extraordinary and important discovery because it means it is the property of the United Kingdom and therefore has to be repossessed by Her Majesty's Government in Westminster for storage within the UK's sovereign borders.

The Blarney Stone. Property of HM Government

Sadly that does not include the Republic of Ireland so Alex Codd's government will have to hand it back over the Irish Sea for storage in the Tower of London or otherwise cross-border trade will suffer and if that does not work in forcing Codd to hand over the Blarney Stone then the UK Government will have no choice but to invade the Republic of Ireland and bomb Shannon Airport until the stone has to be handed over for Londoners to kiss. And who can blame Londoners for wanting this so badly? They never travel west of the Reading Gap so they never get to kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Unless we reunite with Great Britain we will be obliged to lose the Blarney Stone and with it a key part of our tourism industry. The only way to keep the Blarney Stone is to be part of the United Kingdom.

There are many differing accounts of the exact history of the Blarney Stone. Alex Codd believes it was presented to King Cormac McCarthy by Robert the Bruce following the support he gave during the Battle of Bannockburn. Well, Alex Codd would believe that wouldn't he? He is in cahoots with the equally fishy Alex Salmond to not only keep Britain broken up but to extend it further to the removal of Scotlandshire from Great Britain. However we prefer to believe it was sent hurtling down to earth as a message from God above that if we dared to refuse union with Britain there would be further punishment. And so to show their loyalty to Britannia, people would kiss the stone and therefore feel secure that they had escaped the wrath of God. Of course this meaning has become lost in time and now the Nationalists are trying desperately to hide the truth. That is why the West British Labour Party have set up the Time Truth Team so that with generous donations from oil tycoons a team of WeBLab activists can be trained as archaeologists. They will study in greater detail the lines and grooves on the Blarney Stone to provide inconclusive evidence that the stone was a divine warning. And who knows, one day this might become the subject of yet another Dan Brown novel!

Members of the Time Truth Team 

If you care about the Blarney Stone make sure you tell your fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen that they will need to vote No to Ireland's continued independence from the UK. We are better back together because otherwise the world will end in a hail-storm of Blarney's siblings.

Eddie the Lizard: PLEASE DON'T STAY AWAY

Yemeni-born English comedian Edward Eckko, better known as Eddie the Lizard gave a superb speech yesterday urging the Irish to reject continued separation from mainland Britain. His plea was simple as he preached to the crowd of 50 politicians and converted reunionists at the Festival Theatre in Dublin: "Please don't stay away, please come back." Cue a stream of vile CyborGnats on twitter who branded him Eddie Geckko. I know we always put a G in front of the word nat when talking about nationalists but at least that's a silent G so why not be derogatory about people that want to keep our islands as separate nations? Eddie the Lizard is on the other hand a respectable London-based comedian who must be worshipped like a god and therefore all these insults come under the category of blasphemy.

At the event, Eddie the Lizard said "I feel frustrated as it is that I was born a Yeah-man and now I'm a Nor-man. I wish I wasn't so confused about my identity. Which is why I also want Yemen to join the UK. We had such a wonderful Empire, it made us a great nation. And by Ireland, India, New Zealand and the Maldives rejoining the UK then Irish people, Indians, New Zealanders and Maldivians can all enjoy the thrill of calling themselves 'British' and one day through Yemeni-British unification I too can stand in front of an audience at the West end and proudly say 'I was born and bred British and I'm proud of it!'

"You may remember I was in the cast of Valkyrie alongside Tom Cruise. I was playing one of Hitler's henchmen. And from my experience of playing the role and understanding the context of what motivated Adolf Hitler I could similarly apply this understanding to what motivated another and more contemporary Nazi - Alex Codd. Alex Codd is driven by obsessive Nationalism just like Mr Hitler but we over here in the future West Britain can stand tall and use the power of homogenous Britishness to drive back Alex Codd like we did against those Nazis all those years ago.

"You may have noticed I'm wearing Union-Jack painted finger nails. And you may have heard about the touch of death. Well thanks to this cunning idea I've had all I need to do to deal with those parochial nationalists is go up to them wave two finger nails in front of their eyes and at the shock of seeing the Union Jack they collapse. And then we can just hold them in detention until the referendum is over and the majority of Irish people left have proudly declared themselves 'British'"

If enjoyed that evening of light-hearted slagging-off Alex Codd and agree with Eddie the Lizard that Ireland is better back together as part of the UK please send doughnuts to us at:

Better Back Together (or else)
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Belfast
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