Eddie the Lizard: PLEASE DON'T STAY AWAY

Yemeni-born English comedian Edward Eckko, better known as Eddie the Lizard gave a superb speech yesterday urging the Irish to reject continued separation from mainland Britain. His plea was simple as he preached to the crowd of 50 politicians and converted reunionists at the Festival Theatre in Dublin: "Please don't stay away, please come back." Cue a stream of vile CyborGnats on twitter who branded him Eddie Geckko. I know we always put a G in front of the word nat when talking about nationalists but at least that's a silent G so why not be derogatory about people that want to keep our islands as separate nations? Eddie the Lizard is on the other hand a respectable London-based comedian who must be worshipped like a god and therefore all these insults come under the category of blasphemy.

At the event, Eddie the Lizard said "I feel frustrated as it is that I was born a Yeah-man and now I'm a Nor-man. I wish I wasn't so confused about my identity. Which is why I also want Yemen to join the UK. We had such a wonderful Empire, it made us a great nation. And by Ireland, India, New Zealand and the Maldives rejoining the UK then Irish people, Indians, New Zealanders and Maldivians can all enjoy the thrill of calling themselves 'British' and one day through Yemeni-British unification I too can stand in front of an audience at the West end and proudly say 'I was born and bred British and I'm proud of it!'

"You may remember I was in the cast of Valkyrie alongside Tom Cruise. I was playing one of Hitler's henchmen. And from my experience of playing the role and understanding the context of what motivated Adolf Hitler I could similarly apply this understanding to what motivated another and more contemporary Nazi - Alex Codd. Alex Codd is driven by obsessive Nationalism just like Mr Hitler but we over here in the future West Britain can stand tall and use the power of homogenous Britishness to drive back Alex Codd like we did against those Nazis all those years ago.

"You may have noticed I'm wearing Union-Jack painted finger nails. And you may have heard about the touch of death. Well thanks to this cunning idea I've had all I need to do to deal with those parochial nationalists is go up to them wave two finger nails in front of their eyes and at the shock of seeing the Union Jack they collapse. And then we can just hold them in detention until the referendum is over and the majority of Irish people left have proudly declared themselves 'British'"

If enjoyed that evening of light-hearted slagging-off Alex Codd and agree with Eddie the Lizard that Ireland is better back together as part of the UK please send doughnuts to us at:

Better Back Together (or else)
Hanover Square
Belfast
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