Return to the United Kingdom or kiss the Blarney Stone goodbye

A couple of discoveries were made this weekend by researchers visiting the Blarney Stone. One was that there is chiselled into the stone the upside-down face of Brad Pitt. This was a jealously guarded secret by all of womankind which finally explains why so many of them tilt their head slightly to the left when kissing the stone. Isn't it funny how only the women knew it was there? The other discovery is that there is an eight-spoke cross on the underside of the stone with the letters HMGov. This is an extraordinary and important discovery because it means it is the property of the United Kingdom and therefore has to be repossessed by Her Majesty's Government in Westminster for storage within the UK's sovereign borders.

The Blarney Stone. Property of HM Government

Sadly that does not include the Republic of Ireland so Alex Codd's government will have to hand it back over the Irish Sea for storage in the Tower of London or otherwise cross-border trade will suffer and if that does not work in forcing Codd to hand over the Blarney Stone then the UK Government will have no choice but to invade the Republic of Ireland and bomb Shannon Airport until the stone has to be handed over for Londoners to kiss. And who can blame Londoners for wanting this so badly? They never travel west of the Reading Gap so they never get to kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Unless we reunite with Great Britain we will be obliged to lose the Blarney Stone and with it a key part of our tourism industry. The only way to keep the Blarney Stone is to be part of the United Kingdom.

There are many differing accounts of the exact history of the Blarney Stone. Alex Codd believes it was presented to King Cormac McCarthy by Robert the Bruce following the support he gave during the Battle of Bannockburn. Well, Alex Codd would believe that wouldn't he? He is in cahoots with the equally fishy Alex Salmond to not only keep Britain broken up but to extend it further to the removal of Scotlandshire from Great Britain. However we prefer to believe it was sent hurtling down to earth as a message from God above that if we dared to refuse union with Britain there would be further punishment. And so to show their loyalty to Britannia, people would kiss the stone and therefore feel secure that they had escaped the wrath of God. Of course this meaning has become lost in time and now the Nationalists are trying desperately to hide the truth. That is why the West British Labour Party have set up the Time Truth Team so that with generous donations from oil tycoons a team of WeBLab activists can be trained as archaeologists. They will study in greater detail the lines and grooves on the Blarney Stone to provide inconclusive evidence that the stone was a divine warning. And who knows, one day this might become the subject of yet another Dan Brown novel!

Members of the Time Truth Team 

If you care about the Blarney Stone make sure you tell your fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen that they will need to vote No to Ireland's continued independence from the UK. We are better back together because otherwise the world will end in a hail-storm of Blarney's siblings.