Starring Alex Norton as Alex Codd
Narrated by Bliar O'Dougall
Can I first thank Alex Norton for agreeing to play the part of Alex Codd. Isn't it eck-straordinary how Alex Codd looks just like two of his Scotch namesakes, Norton and Salmond!
Anyway let us investigate the man who is guilty of making the Irish people believe they are 'better apart'. Alexander Elliott Paterson Codd was born north of Dublin some sixty years ago on the eve of a favourite Irish festival. He grew up to become a very talented magician and managed successfully trick the people of Ireland into believing they were better remaining as the separate country they are today. As a consequence of his master trickery the people of Ireland's true feelings of Great Britishness have been subdued. Only now that there is a referendum being held are people slowly realising that it is a mistake to believe Ireland should be a separate country. Ireland should become part of Britain and be West Britain forever and ever and amen.
Alex Codd's belief in separation is as old as the hills - quite literally. He has been reincarnated over many generations since the formation of all the hills on the Emerald Isle, be that the Mourne Mountains, or Wicklow Mountains or the Magillycuddy's Reeks. All that time he has been believing passionately in Irish isolation. And because of isolation from good old glorious civilised Blighty the Irish have become a bunch of ungrateful bogtrotters.
Now Alex Codd has decided to play a game of smoke and mirrors by claiming that he is in fact fully mortal and won't really live to be more than a thousand years old. We know Alex Codd's a liar because he'll always say something different each year. Last year he told us he was 58 years old. This year he's telling us he's 59! But we know, as our entrusted zero-hour recruits have observed from their covert espionage operations, that Codd is in possession of the philosopher's stone. Therefore he is neither 58 nor 59. In fact his age is immortal. So if you vote for continued independence you will have Codd as your overlord dictator for ever! It's that simple. Vote for continued independence and Codd will turn Ireland into a national socialist dystopia where darkness will remain across the land non-stop for a thousand years. But by voting No and agreeing to join the United Kingdom you will all be happy bunnies because David Cameron will take good care of you and Iain Duncan Smith will make sure you get the opportunity to take part in the Workfare programme so you can enjoy the thrill of slave labour for several weeks on end. Furthermore, George Osborne will give you the pound so you are able to look at the Queen's face every time you reach into your pocket and Phillip Hammond will allow you to appreciate the contribution you can make to World Domination by entering one of the UK's great war zones in Iraq or Afghanistan.
Only one man, Alex Codd, stands between you and your dream of reunification with the distant relatives in Birmingham which you have refused to see because the law of political separation forces you to do so. In fact it forces you to believe there are passport controls north of Dundalk such is the master trickery of Codd that he is able to conjure up such mirages. But with full British reunification Codd's iron grip on the Irish mind-set will be broken and you will all realise the folly of going to your local pub every Saturday afternoon when instead there are some amazing games of cricket that can be played on the village green all weekend. You will still get to experience the joy of alcohol because Britishness means you'll be drinking plenty of Strongbow.
However, if you choose to stay independent Codd will discover a loophole in the law that allows him to make you all subservient and turn you into a population that is too wee and too stupid and so he can manipulate you to his every will.
So don't be charmed by Alex Codd because the British State is too great and glorious an empire to be missed.
Preparations being made for Codd's official residence post-Yes
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