Campaign Dictator
An IPSOS-Mori poll specially commissioned by the UK Government for our eyes only reveals that there is now a growing support for Ireland's place in the United Kingdom. It shows a very sharp increase in support for the UK over just the last month. People are more and more aware of how unconvincing Alex Codd is in his claims that we are not too wee or too stupid.
I know people are busy tweeting with the hashtag #PublishthePoll but be patient we will publish it eventually probably after the only poll that really matters the referendum itself. Even if we do publish it before the referendum I, like Nick Clegg, would try to be a bit wary of opinion polls. But I can tell you that the poll is a good poll. It shows that many Irish people really really really really want to be British. So just be assured that the £50,000 that could easily have been spent employing an extra doctor in the part-privatised NHS or spent filling in potholes across Scotland is money that must have been well spent because having had a sneak preview of the polling result earlier I can tell it has given the people of Ireland fresh confidence that reunification with the UK will really give us the Best of Both Worlds and it is our duty as messengers of the truth to spread the glorious far and wide so even the most parochial bogtrotter will hear the word of the Lords.
It is now essential for the Gnats to join the convention in preparation for that glorious day of reunification. Codd cannot hide anymore even if he is finding success with his special Beyoncé diet because there are only so many places you can hide when you're as big as Big Bey. I however have nothing to hide because I've got nowhere to hide as a result of eating all of the office doughnuts. They don't nickname me Bliar O'Doughnut for nothing you know!
So please if you keep asking us when we're going to publish the poll you're wasting your time as we have no plans in the near future to publish the poll. We've already told you the results of the poll, why can't you just trust us? Anyway it's not our decision to be made to publish the poll, we take our orders directly from Whitehall and what Whitehall says is what goes. However, you can rest assure that we are telling the absolute truth when we say that the desire to be part of the United Kingdom is now stronger than ever among the Irish people. We are continuing to make the positive case for the Onion and this latest poll tells us we are getting our message across.
Whitehall patriotically holding the results of the top-secret poll earlier today.
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