Time to consciously recouple!

By Alasdair Carraphael
UK Secretary of State for Irish relations

I am very proud to be Irish and British. Well, I'm British by virtue of being resident in Britain. But sadly my home country is foreign. Full of parochial paddies. But I am determined to change that by Ireland becoming a province of Britain. What an amazing site that would be. The tears would be streaming down my eyes when I look at an atlas and see all of Ireland covered in the same colour as Britain - prefereably yellow but we'll probably have to settle for blue.

I hate it when Alex Codd tries to mix patriotism with politics. Yes, we're the patriotic campaign for consciously recoupling Britain and Ireland. But that's different. When we fly the Union Jack high and proud that's not nationalism because British unity is a force for good as it goes all around the world telling people what they should do, how they should run their affairs and wandering into their countries fully armed to make sure they don't have an advantage over us in the nuclear arms race because Britain cannot be seen as lacking a superior nuclear arsenal. Oh and also when we're in those countries we make sure America gets adequate access to Middle Eastern oil. We can't deprive the Yanks of all that wealth they're entitled to now can we? Flying the Union Jack is not nationalism but flying the Irish tricolour without the Union Jack IS nationalism. Do the Irish nationalists not appreciate the privilege of dual identity that their ancestor's landlords were proud to possess before the peasants went and had their separate ways? I mean what is all this rubbish about a Partnership for Peace. Peace is for wusses. As part of the UK we will have all the power and prestige that comes with being a NATO country. Codd and Pike claim I am the Secretary of State against Ireland. That I am not Irish as I am really just a muppet. What would they know? They're just fish!

Let me be clear I am Irish. I drink Guinness and Bailey's, I wear wellies and I drive a tractor when I am in Ireland. But I am also British because when I'm in the South-east of England I drink Earl Grey tea and John Smiths, I wear freshly polished Charles Tyrwhitt shoes and I drive an expensive BMW. I want to make sure the Irish in my nominal constituency get to see all these things but because of separation nobody dares to import these things through Dún Laoghaire for fear that they'll be confiscated by the Garda. They fear they will be arrested for crimes against Irishness. I'm not tolerating this uncertainty anymore. Let's open up and be proudly British. Let's sing Land of Hope and Glory all they way from the Coleraine to Cork, from the Coast of Antrim to Connemara.

Let us consciously recouple. Let us be better back together as a region of precious Britannia.