This weekend the Irish UK Labour Party held their annual conference in the fiery city of Waterford. Among the speakers, wannabe Foreign Secretary, Dobby Elf-O'Xander talks about the opportunities of solidarity that will come by sacrificing our independence.
"Can I thank our gracious donor David Guinness for the introduction. I'm sure David you will make an excellent Doctor Who once you finally get to be British.
Conference. Before I proceed. I would like to rubbish all these claims that I tried to stab my sister, Wendy House-Elf-O'Xander, in the back. We always fought as children, that's not in doubt but the most I would ever do to her was to poke her head down the toilet. Of course I didn't want her as leader of our party in Ireland, I know I can do a better job than her because I at least take the trouble to travel the world as part of my vanity project. But still would I honestly try and stop her being publically humiliated in front of Alex Codd?
Anyway. When I was over in London I was watching Sport Relief and there was Boyzone proudly partaking in a great British extravaganza. The sad thing about that however, was that they had to obtain Visas just to go over to London and perform. We are foreigners in a neighbouring country and we feel helpless to help people over there because they are not our compatriots. Ladies and gentlemen, this is simply not acceptable. We have the Tories imposing the bedroom tax on ordinary families all over Britain. It doesn't have to be like this and the solution to their problems on our part is surprisingly simple. We just have to vote No when asked if we want to remain separate in September 2020. By voting No we'll be able to help them by hard-working families in Ireland taking on the burdens of the bedroom tax and voting Labour in the 2025 General Election. Of course we hope Labour will win the General Elections in 2015 and 2020 but if not then hard-working Irish families can add to Labour's vote and Labour will win landslide elections and will be in power for ever and ever.
Now of course between becoming part of the UK in late 2020, early 2021 and the 2025 General Election we will have a few years of Irish families having to be charged the bedroom tax if we don't win the 2020 election and being sanctioned by the Jobcentre for only listing 29 steps a week when they have to list 30 steps a week in their jobseeker's diary. However, none of that will be a problem because Ireland will already have enough foodbanks stocked with donations of cheap junk food sent over by people in the Irish diaspora across the pond, the same people incidentally who used to fund the IRA so for once they will be doing some good.
Conference, I'm one of those Irish MPs lucky enough to hail from the part of Ireland that didn't choose separation and so I don't have to represent a constituency in England or Scotland. My Irish constituency is an actual constituency and not a nominal one. I'm very privileged to represent the people of Lisburn. But someone in Lisburn is no different to someone in Lancaster. Of course someone in Wexford is different to someone in Wakefield because they are foreigners to one another. It doesn't have to be that way. We can all one day enjoy the freedom of being able to march down the streets of Dublin with members of a local Orange lodge, flying a 6x3 foot Union Jack high above the air telling all the locals the significance of this flag which brings so many great feelings of prosperity to people all over the British Isles. Many thousands across the former British Empire are rich thanks to the great exploits that came from being part of Britain. Just such a shame those illustrious people were so greatly outnumbered in their own territories by rowdy separatists. Those separatists didn't know they were even born! And nor does Alex Codd and his awful Gnats. God forbid you'd think they didn't know places outside Ireland even existed. Alex Codd and Nicola Pike's band of Gnats are anti-English because by definition anyone that doesn't want their country to be part of the United Kingdom is anti-English. It's the same with Norwegians. They're all anti-Swedish because they don't want to be part of a Scandinavian union and likewise all Canadians are anti-American because they don't want to be in union with the USA. Ditto, the anti-Australian sentiment in New Zealand.
We must now fight mind, body, soul, tissue and toenails to reverse that dreadful decision made 90 years ago by our forefathers. How ridiculous of them to strip us of our British identity out of some grievances we really can't understand. I didn't exactly study Irish history when I was at school in Ulster, that simply wasn't British of the teachers so how do I know what their grudge is regarding the 1840's? Anyway the history we learned was so much more important like how Lord Kitchener told us not to be wimps and go out and patriotically fight for King and Country against those evil Germans and how those bloody sacrifices meant we didn't go to war again for another twenty years.
Conference, let us reclaim our rightful place in that amazing and most successful family of nations in all human history, the United Kingdom. We are Better Back Together."
Dobby posing with his soul-mate, St Douglas of Paisley
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