Backstory to the Un-seperation Referendum

Ulster Dara Lean
Campaign Leader, Better Back Together

We are inseparable. That's what my grandfather once told me about our two great islands. He lived through those dark old times when we became a separate nation and that glorious feeling of Britishness departed our great land. I often asked him, what were those days like and he told me it was fantastic, everyone felt at peace so we aristocrats could carry on our daily business of looking down on our fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen and have them respecting us in our role. Those days are gone and now the Irish have a high level of self confidence that have meant the likes of my grandfather's family had to migrate to London for our careers. So instead of being born in Dublin, I was born an Englishman. Heck I just said the E-word! I mean I shouldn't be calling myself English, I wouldn't be seen dead saying that on the streets of Dublin. I can't call myself English because to say it is to exclude the Irish as my compatriots. I mean I feel for all those people throughout the two-thirds of the Emerald Island that don't have David Beckham, Kate Moss, John Bishop and Jeremy Kyle as their compatriots.

But there's a simple solution to that and it comes in the form of a referendum that will be held in 2020. As part of the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921 signed by both the Irish and British goverments a clause was included obliging the Irish parliament to hold a referendum within 99 years asking the Irish people if they wanted to return to the family of nations that is the wonderful and glorious United Kingdom. As you might expect Alex Codd tried to hide this information from the Irish people. Now we don't deny Codd and his INP won a thumping majority in the last Irish parliamentary elections in 2011 after my party's Irish leader, Sean White, fled from Dublin Connolly station and took refuge in a nearby Underground Sandwich Shop (or was it Greggs?). But that's no excuse for trying to hide information about the 99-year Referendum Clause from the Irish people. Eventually Alex Codd had no choice but to get round the table with David Cameron. And thankfully, as a result, the Dublin Agreement was signed. So we will hold the referendum six years from now (we wanted it sooner rather than later but concessions have to made).

David Cameron and Alex Codd enroute to the signing of the historic Dublin Agreement

 

The question that will be asked is:

Should Ireland remain an independent country

The two answers you can choose from are Yes and No.

This is the most important decision many of us will have to make.

In recent days myself, Gordon Maroon, Jean Bomoan, Anas Makewar and Margaret Berry have all been thrashing out plans for powers we will keep if you vote No and Ed Miliband wins the next UK general election. Shaun Davidson, who chairs the House of Commons Committee on Irish Continued Separation has not been taking part in this process as he objects to our proposals. However, I'm sure we'll be able to convince all of the other 250 Labour MPs that these power should and must be kept by the Irish Parliament. The Tories have their own plans which their Irish Leader Ruth Davidsdottir has unveiled but we disagree with them and of course Palpatine Campbell, with almost no input from Willie Gaviscon, has unveiled his own plans for a federal British Isles with himself as the Emperor. But the Lib Dems are unlikely to win more than five MPs so fingers crossed that Labour win the 2015 General Election by a landslide.

Show off your dream of a united Ireland subservient to a glorious United Kingdom

 

But we need the facts from the Nationalists. We need Alex Codd and Nicola Pike to explain why it is worth Ireland staying it alone when we have all the strength, all the security and all the clout that will come with being part of a much bigger nation than parochial, bog-trotting Ireland. Being part of the United Kingdom will make us feel great because being able to wrap yourself in blue, red and white creates a feeling of utter euphoria and is therefore an unspeakable privilege. We can't wave the Union Jack at present because we believe Alex Codd has banned any display of that glorious flag (at least that's what we think).

Please stop the Gnats from denying us the British pride that we are all entitled to. Tell your friends, family, colleagues, classmates, cats, dogs, horses and spiders that we will have the Best of Both Worlds as part of the United Kingdom.