New poll reveals strong support for the Reunion

Bliar O'Dougall
Campaign Dictator

An IPSOS-Mori poll specially commissioned by the UK Government for our eyes only reveals that there is now a growing support for Ireland's place in the United Kingdom. It shows a very sharp increase in support for the UK over just the last month. People are more and more aware of how unconvincing Alex Codd is in his claims that we are not too wee or too stupid.

I know people are busy tweeting with the hashtag #PublishthePoll but be patient we will publish it eventually probably after the only poll that really matters the referendum itself. Even if we do publish it before the referendum I, like Nick Clegg, would try to be a bit wary of opinion polls. But I can tell you that the poll is a good poll. It shows that many Irish people really really really really want to be British. So just be assured that the £50,000 that could easily have been spent employing an extra doctor in the part-privatised NHS or spent filling in potholes across Scotland is money that must have been well spent because having had a sneak preview of the polling result earlier I can tell it has given the people of Ireland fresh confidence that reunification with the UK will really give us the Best of Both Worlds and it is our duty as messengers of the truth to spread the glorious far and wide so even the most parochial bogtrotter will hear the word of the Lords.

It is now essential for the Gnats to join the convention in preparation for that glorious day of reunification. Codd cannot hide anymore even if he is finding success with his special Beyoncé diet because there are only so many places you can hide when you're as big as Big Bey. I however have nothing to hide because I've got nowhere to hide as a result of eating all of the office doughnuts. They don't nickname me Bliar O'Doughnut for nothing you know!

So please if you keep asking us when we're going to publish the poll you're wasting your time as we have no plans in the near future to publish the poll. We've already told you the results of the poll, why can't you just trust us? Anyway it's not our decision to be made to publish the poll, we take our orders directly from Whitehall and what Whitehall says is what goes. However, you can rest assure that we are telling the absolute truth when we say that the desire to be part of the United Kingdom is now stronger than ever among the Irish people. We are continuing to make the positive case for the Onion and this latest poll tells us we are getting our message across.

 

Whitehall patriotically holding the results of the top-secret poll earlier today.

This referendum is all about Alex Codd.

 Starring Alex Norton as Alex Codd

Narrated by Bliar O'Dougall

 

Can I first thank Alex Norton for agreeing to play the part of Alex Codd. Isn't it eck-straordinary how Alex Codd looks just like two of his Scotch namesakes, Norton and Salmond!

 

Anyway let us investigate the man who is guilty of making the Irish people believe they are 'better apart'. Alexander Elliott Paterson Codd was born north of Dublin some sixty years ago on the eve of a favourite Irish festival. He grew up to become a very talented magician and managed successfully trick the people of Ireland into believing they were better remaining as the separate country they are today. As a consequence of his master trickery the people of Ireland's true feelings of Great Britishness have been subdued. Only now that there is a referendum being held are people slowly realising that it is a mistake to believe Ireland should be a separate country. Ireland should become part of Britain and be West Britain forever and ever and amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alex Codd's belief in separation is as old as the hills - quite literally. He has been reincarnated over many generations since the formation of all the hills on the Emerald Isle, be that the Mourne Mountains, or Wicklow Mountains or the Magillycuddy's Reeks. All that time he has been believing passionately in Irish isolation. And because of isolation from good old glorious civilised Blighty the Irish have become a bunch of ungrateful bogtrotters.

 

Now Alex Codd has decided to play a game of smoke and mirrors by claiming that he is in fact fully mortal and won't really live to be more than a thousand years old. We know Alex Codd's a liar because he'll always say something different each year. Last year he told us he was 58 years old. This year he's telling us he's 59! But we know, as our entrusted zero-hour recruits have observed from their covert espionage operations, that Codd is in possession of the philosopher's stone. Therefore he is neither 58 nor 59. In fact his age is immortal. So if you vote for continued independence you will have Codd as your overlord dictator for ever! It's that simple. Vote for continued independence and Codd will turn Ireland into a national socialist dystopia where darkness will remain across the land non-stop for a thousand years. But by voting No and agreeing to join the United Kingdom you will all be happy bunnies because David Cameron will take good care of you and Iain Duncan Smith will make sure you get the opportunity to take part in the Workfare programme so you can enjoy the thrill of slave labour for several weeks on end. Furthermore, George Osborne will give you the pound so you are able to look at the Queen's face every time you reach into your pocket and Phillip Hammond will allow you to appreciate the contribution you can make to World Domination by entering one of the UK's great war zones in Iraq or Afghanistan.

 

 

 

Only one man, Alex Codd, stands between you and your dream of reunification with the distant relatives in Birmingham which you have refused to see because the law of political separation forces you to do so. In fact it forces you to believe there are passport controls north of Dundalk such is the master trickery of Codd that he is able to conjure up such mirages. But with full British reunification Codd's iron grip on the Irish mind-set will be broken and you will all realise the folly of going to your local pub every Saturday afternoon when instead there are some amazing games of cricket that can be played on the village green all weekend. You will still get to experience the joy of alcohol because Britishness means you'll be drinking plenty of Strongbow.

 

However, if you choose to stay independent Codd will discover a loophole in the law that allows him to make you all subservient and turn you into a population that is too wee and too stupid and so he can manipulate you to his every will.

 

So don't be charmed by Alex Codd because the British State is too great and glorious an empire to be missed.

 

 

Preparations being made for Codd's official residence post-Yes