Unaffiliated contributor (we're a bit to embarrassed to have him on board but what the heck?!)
Ladies and gentlemen. We have a choice to make next month: Do we or don't we like having Alex Codd as Prime Minister of Ireland? If not then vote GNaw. Because by being part of the United Kingdom we can have the best of both worlds: an Irish parliament that is funded by generous subsidies from Westminster (because we believe Ireland's ability to fund itself is just an illusion) and the chance to be part of something that is bigger than Ireland but not as big as Europe which I also believe we should stay part of. By being part of the UK we can make sure that if Alex Codd is getting too carried away with his progressive welfare policy then we've got David Cameron and Iain Duncan Smith to stop him in his tracks and remind him that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
My new wonderfully crackpot campaign
By being part of the UK we will have the BBC. Why not spend 140 odd quid on a licence fee if you get the chance to enjoy biased broadcasting. You'll also get to audition to be part of reality TV shows where you could (potentially) win loads and loads of money by being publically humiliated in front of the whole nation and then you'll enjoy pages and pages of coverage in the Great British tabloids to help quench the English public's thirst for sensationalist journalism. Furthermore if you've ever really really wished you had recorded that lovely chat you had with your cousin over Skype last Saturday evening, fear not you will have it all done by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. Afterall, who else put the Sky back into Skype?
I for one can't wait to make a complete ass of myself on Big Brother. It will be lovely to bring a distinct Irish flavour to a house full of ignoramuses from Essex. Suddenly everyone throughout Great Britain will know my name and know the values I stand for, the values that put me in touch with ordinary plonkers. Plonkers who like to have a good time getting rich fast and having their photo taken with celebrities of all different reputations including some of the country's most influential personalities who have used their massive egos to access all areas of public life. And you too can audition to enter the Big Brother house simply by voting against Ireland remaining a separate nation state.
How I see myself in five years time
By becoming part of the British Empire you'll get to speak out against - the British Empire. But Alex Codd doesn't want to join in. He just wants to lord it over at Rathlin House because he is one big fat dictator (copyright Anas Makewar, 2013) running a quasi-Nazi party. I don't have time for that kind of dictator nor any dictators for that matter. Okay so I've met a few dictators myself but that was only because they were hated by Tony Blair and I hated Tony Blair because he was a posh twat who went to Fettes college and somehow managed to become Prime Minister while the UK political system shoved to the bottom those who were more radical in favour of more conservative 'Labour' folk. I don't want Ireland to be part of that system but nevertheless I want Ireland to stop it from happening by making sure we can elect politicians to the British parliament and yes we'll have to sacrifice our sovereignty to achieve it. It may take several hundred years to achieve but what does that matter if one day Britain will be a fairer society? Well, yes Ireland will have to be subject to some ghastly policies from the Tories in Westminster, welfare reforms and the relocation of Trident but we need to feel the pain of people in Liverpool to understand it, we should experience it for ourselves. To end poverty in Britain let us make ourselves impoverished so that if their poverty does not end then at least we are all sharing in the suffering.
A group selfie with some of my pals in Tehran
Now I did support the idea of a united Scotland becoming an independent country and I'm glad Scotland has their independence and I want an independent Palestine that enjoys freedom for all its citizens. But I don't want the same for Ireland. The people of Ireland should not be free because Ireland is just like England and it would be a pity to miss out on English culture. I am proud to an Irishman from Limerick but I also want to feel British so that I can go over and join the picket lines in England and Wales because for some reason I can't do that while Ireland is not part of the UK. It just seems morally wrong to have solidarity with people in other countries without being part of their country. That's why we need an organisation like Nob Orders!
So next month please vote against Ireland staying part of that community of nearly 200 independent nations because what is the point? You'll just continue having Alex Codd as Taoiseach for all eternity. But there is a positive case for the Reunion, you'll just have to read through pages and pages of rhetoric on Better Back Together's website to find it by which time you've probably lost interest and become too distracted by the webcam show put on by that sexy ginger in Arizona (I mean what the f**k was her family thinking when they emigrated in the 19th century, what on earth was going on back then during the years of the wonderful union between Ireland and England? Surely there wasn't some disaster happening as a consequence of aristocratic mismanagement in Ireland, was there?).
Think of the celebrities you'll meet when you take part in British reality shows!
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