Our Chief Emotional Blackmailer
Ok. Don't panic. We may have just slipped behind in our trusted U(kok)Gov poll but they don't call me Chief Emo for nothing. It is my duty to spread the word that if you truly love your family in England you will without hesitation sacrifice your sovereignty to give them a feeling that they are loved.
Don't you start telling us that you can just go and join in with Occupy London, or stand with Liverpudlians on the picket line, or fly over to witness your son graduating from Oxford University (if he's even clever enough to study there when he was born in a country that isn't part of the UK), or take your Granny in Leeds on a holiday to Scarborough. We Irish live in a country that is foreign to the UK so we just don't have the self esteem to do all that!
And do you love your family here in Ireland? Because without the support of unregulated bankers in the City of London how on earth do you expect your children to have a future? The only way you'll get the pension you need for your elders is if Westminster subsidises it because as you know, Ireland is too wee and too poor at the moment. All don't believe all that stuff that Alex Codd said about the sustainability of North Atlantic oil and gas. Yeah he quoted some figures given by respected oil tycoon and Tory party donor, Sir Ian Stone but as you maybe aware Sir Ian at times gets a little stoned (excuse the pun) so tends to be quite unrealistic when giving interviews to the media shortly afterwards. Or maybe he was telling the truth but just ended up sucking all the oil up himself and getting high that way.
Take your pick: Cereal? Puppies? Or nuclear weapons?
All the benefits that will come with joining the UK.
So folks don't be stupid. Look into my eyes. You will vote No thanks to continued Independence because you hate Alex Codd as he is an evil dictator who doesn't want you to be part of a family of nations and doesn't want you to feel in touch with your own family in England. You cannot feel anything for your family unless you are also ruled by the Tories in Westminster.
There that seems to be working. A wee bit of hypnotics can't go amiss now and again. But still it is my job to tell you frankly the feelings of hurt you will cause your family if you dare use your democratic vote to keep your sovereign parliament in Dublin. Would you rather Ireland was ruled by a group of Irish people that are obsessed with Guinness, St Patrick's Day and Gaelic Football? Or would you rather they were people who actually cared about nuclear weapons keeping your family feeling secure at night? Secure knowing that if they are attacked, London will leap to their defence and retaliate with a deadly nuclear attack on the foreign power responsible.
So that is why you should vote against Ireland remaining separate to the UK, to ensure your family is well looked after by a Westminster system that may soon be governed by the slightly less right wing British Labour Party. Of course it might be a hung parliament again so we'd have to be able to tailor our policies to suit Tory and UKIP MPs. But otherwise things will be ok under the slightly-less-right-wing and only-slightly-more-charismatic-than-Gordon-Brown leader Ed Miliband. And of course my counter part and inspiration from the 2014 No Thanks U-Kok campaign, their own Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander, will be in charge of foreign affairs making sure everyone who is a foreigner gets treated as an alien. Of course that must be a tricky job as he probably doesn't know how to tell the difference between an alien and Jim Murphy so he has to make sure he throws an egg at the correct target, doesn't want it hitting his own party colleague, now does he? Afterall it wouldn't do many favours for an already fractious Scottish Labour Party.
Anyway thank you for sparing a few minutes to take heed of my words of emotional blackmail. I hope you have found them positively energising, positively enough to find that ounce of positivity to make the positive case for the reunion. Otherwise what are you doing here? Now eat your cereal.
Look into my eyes: U-KOK 2014's Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander.
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