Chief Naysayer at the Treasury
So yeah, just this morning this letter dropped through the freshly polished brass letterbox (which cost hundreds of pounds of taxpayers money to polish) at Number 11. It was from Alex Codd and it read like this:
Alex Codd
Office of the Taoiseach of Ireland
Rathlin House
Georgina Square
Dublin
D2 R2
15th September 2022
Dear Mr Nicholas
I am writing to you to make a very special offer. I notice just how hard it is to manage the economy in Great Britain and just how much of a burden all that debt is. Which is why we feel its only right that we should come to your help.
Our proposal is that the Irish government takes on a portion of the national debt of the UK. We know how important it is to ensure you can quickly reduce the mountain of debt that you inherited from Gordon Brown and continue to make under George Osborne.
We are fully prepared to take on this burden. But in order to make sure this can be done effectively we ask for only one thing in return. We ask in return for sharing the debt that we also share a common currency, the Pound Sterling. We feel this is a reasonable offer as the Pound Sterling would subsequently be strengthened by the vast oil reserves coming out of Ireland's portion of the North Atlantic. This can only help the economies of both Ireland and the UK working together in a currency union and we would therefore strongly encourage you to accept this offer that we propose.
If you don't wish to share your currency with us even though it would be in your country's best interests then we assume you're okay with honouring all of the debt that has been accumulated by your office over the course of many years. However, agreeing to join the UK as part of a formal political union is not desirable over here in the Republic of Ireland. We need to ensure our citizens are properly protected by the Irish state and though we are happy to work closely economically it is important that decisions affecting our welfare, taxation, broadcasting and other key areas are made in Ireland by the people that most care about our country, the people who live here in Ireland.
I know you will welcome the chance to alleviate a sizable portion of your debt and therefore be prepared to do take the opportunity to do so in exchange for a share of the Bank of England and with it a share of the Pound Sterling.
We therefore look forward to hearing from you with a reply to our generous offer.
Yours sincerely,
Alex Codd
Taoiseach of Ireland
I haven't replied yet but I'll tell you what I think of his proposal.
How dare he even think about trying to share the Pound?! It's our Pound, the UK's Pound not Ireland's. Ireland is a separate and foreign country that decided ungratefully to separate from the glorious union a hundred years ago. So they have no business asking to share the Pound. Anyway you don't have all that oil in the North Atlantic, it's running out. I know that because our esteemed Tory donor, Sir Ian Stone, tells us so. Therefore it must be running out.
But hey what's this? They want to share our debt? Now that's more like it! Well, I'll say to Alex Codd, you can have a portion of our debt seeing as you're so willing to take on a share of it. We'll just offload a certain amount of the debt on you and make sure the money markets believe its been yours all along so that when you don't pay they blame you instead of us. Sorry, we're the UK Government, we don't do deals, we just do pick'n'mix. We'll choose what we like to share but not what we don't like to share. We are the bigger island, you are our inferior neighbour therefore we will dictate the rules, you'll just have to follow them.
The only way feel like a better country is to give up your independence and join the United Kingdom because after all, bigger is better, innit?*
So we say No thanks to currency union but Yes please to debt sharing.
* - Sorry about that bit of slang there. It's just I've spent a bit too much time in London instead of my native Connaught.
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