You're not getting our pound - but hey here's our debt, take it or else!

Danny Nicholas
Chief Naysayer at the Treasury

 

So yeah, just this morning this letter dropped through the freshly polished brass letterbox (which cost hundreds of pounds of taxpayers money to polish) at Number 11. It was from Alex Codd and it read like this:

 

 

Alex Codd

Office of the Taoiseach of Ireland

Rathlin House

Georgina Square

Dublin

D2 R2

 

15th September 2022

 

Dear Mr Nicholas

 

I am writing to you to make a very special offer. I notice just how hard it is to manage the economy in Great Britain and just how much of a burden all that debt is. Which is why we feel its only right that we should come to your help.

 

Our proposal is that the Irish government takes on a portion of the national debt of the UK. We know how important it is to ensure you can quickly reduce the mountain of debt that you inherited from Gordon Brown and continue to make under George Osborne.

 

We are fully prepared to take on this burden. But in order to make sure this can be done effectively we ask for only one thing in return. We ask in return for sharing the debt that we also share a common currency, the Pound Sterling. We feel this is a reasonable offer as the Pound Sterling would subsequently be strengthened by the vast oil reserves coming out of Ireland's portion of the North Atlantic. This can only help the economies of both Ireland and the UK working together in a currency union and we would therefore strongly encourage you to accept this offer that we propose.

 

If you don't wish to share your currency with us even though it would be in your country's best interests then we assume you're okay with honouring all of the debt that has been accumulated by your office over the course of many years. However, agreeing to join the UK as part of a formal political union is not desirable over here in the Republic of Ireland. We need to ensure our citizens are properly protected by the Irish state and though we are happy to work closely economically it is important that decisions affecting our welfare, taxation, broadcasting and other key areas are made in Ireland by the people that most care about our country, the people who live here in Ireland.

 

I know you will welcome the chance to alleviate a sizable portion of your debt and therefore be prepared to do take the opportunity to do so in exchange for a share of the Bank of England and with it a share of the Pound Sterling.

 

We therefore look forward to hearing from you with a reply to our generous offer.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

 

Alex Codd

Taoiseach of Ireland

 

 

 

I haven't replied yet but I'll tell you what I think of his proposal.

 

How dare he even think about trying to share the Pound?! It's our Pound, the UK's Pound not Ireland's. Ireland is a separate and foreign country that decided ungratefully to separate from the glorious union a hundred years ago. So they have no business asking to share the Pound. Anyway you don't have all that oil in the North Atlantic, it's running out. I know that because our esteemed Tory donor, Sir Ian Stone, tells us so. Therefore it must be running out.

 

But hey what's this? They want to share our debt? Now that's more like it! Well, I'll say to Alex Codd, you can have a portion of our debt seeing as you're so willing to take on a share of it. We'll just offload a certain amount of the debt on you and make sure the money markets believe its been yours all along so that when you don't pay they blame you instead of us. Sorry, we're the UK Government, we don't do deals, we just do pick'n'mix. We'll choose what we like to share but not what we don't like to share. We are the bigger island, you are our inferior neighbour therefore we will dictate the rules, you'll just have to follow them.

 

The only way feel like a better country is to give up your independence and join the United Kingdom because after all, bigger is better, innit?*

 

So we say No thanks to currency union but Yes please to debt sharing.

 

 

* - Sorry about that bit of slang there. It's just I've spent a bit too much time in London instead of my native Connaught.

Love your family? Vote No to ongoing seperation

Douglas Nicholas
Our Chief Emotional Blackmailer

 

Ok. Don't panic. We may have just slipped behind in our trusted U(kok)Gov poll but they don't call me Chief Emo for nothing. It is my duty to spread the word that if you truly love your family in England you will without hesitation sacrifice your sovereignty to give them a feeling that they are loved.

 

Don't you start telling us that you can just go and join in with Occupy London, or stand with Liverpudlians on the picket line, or fly over to witness your son graduating from Oxford University (if he's even clever enough to study there when he was born in a country that isn't part of the UK), or take your Granny in Leeds on a holiday to Scarborough. We Irish live in a country that is foreign to the UK so we just don't have the self esteem to do all that!

 

And do you love your family here in Ireland? Because without the support of unregulated bankers in the City of London how on earth do you expect your children to have a future? The only way you'll get the pension you need for your elders is if Westminster subsidises it because as you know, Ireland is too wee and too poor at the moment. All don't believe all that stuff that Alex Codd said about the sustainability of North Atlantic oil and gas. Yeah he quoted some figures given by respected oil tycoon and Tory party donor, Sir Ian Stone but as you maybe aware Sir Ian at times gets a little stoned (excuse the pun) so tends to be quite unrealistic when giving interviews to the media shortly afterwards. Or maybe he was telling the truth but just ended up sucking all the oil up himself and getting high that way.

 

 

 

Take your pick: Cereal? Puppies? Or nuclear weapons?

All the benefits that will come with joining the UK.

 

So folks don't be stupid. Look into my eyes. You will vote No thanks to continued Independence because you hate Alex Codd as he is an evil dictator who doesn't want you to be part of a family of nations and doesn't want you to feel in touch with your own family in England. You cannot feel anything for your family unless you are also ruled by the Tories in Westminster.

 

There that seems to be working. A wee bit of hypnotics can't go amiss now and again. But still it is my job to tell you frankly the feelings of hurt you will cause your family if you dare use your democratic vote to keep your sovereign parliament in Dublin. Would you rather Ireland was ruled by a group of Irish people that are obsessed with Guinness, St Patrick's Day and Gaelic Football? Or would you rather they were people who actually cared about nuclear weapons keeping your family feeling secure at night? Secure knowing that if they are attacked, London will leap to their defence and retaliate with a deadly nuclear attack on the foreign power responsible.

 

So that is why you should vote against Ireland remaining separate to the UK, to ensure your family is well looked after by a Westminster system that may soon be governed by the slightly less right wing British Labour Party. Of course it might be a hung parliament again so we'd have to be able to tailor our policies to suit Tory and UKIP MPs. But otherwise things will be ok under the slightly-less-right-wing and only-slightly-more-charismatic-than-Gordon-Brown leader Ed Miliband. And of course my counter part and inspiration from the 2014 No Thanks U-Kok campaign, their own Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander, will be in charge of foreign affairs making sure everyone who is a foreigner gets treated as an alien. Of course that must be a tricky job as he probably doesn't know how to tell the difference between an alien and Jim Murphy so he has to make sure he throws an egg at the correct target, doesn't want it hitting his own party colleague, now does he? Afterall it wouldn't do many favours for an already fractious Scottish Labour Party.

 

Anyway thank you for sparing a few minutes to take heed of my words of emotional blackmail. I hope you have found them positively energising, positively enough to find that ounce of positivity to make the positive case for the reunion. Otherwise what are you doing here? Now eat your cereal.

 

 

Look into my eyes: U-KOK 2014's Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander.