You may observe the date as 22nd July 2014, His future Majesty's first birthday. In fact as those of you in this parallel universe will observe, Prince George is nine years old today because today's date is 22nd July 2022. For those of you in the parallel universe that lacks an unseperation referendum all you need to do is add eight to the year you see displayed on every blog entry. So seemingly on the day that you vote in 2014 for or against Scottish separation from the UK we will be going to the polls in 2022 to vote against continued Irish separation from the UK.
We are of course very disappointed that you voted for independence. We think it's unbelievable that you are a wealthy nation enjoying a fairer society where there's no bedroom tax, Trident missiles have been banished, more money has been found to invest in your infrastructure, schools and hospitals and so on. How can any of that be happening? Well doesn't stop us believing that Ireland is Better Back Together because we love the good old days of the Empire punching its weight all around the world.
Long live Her Margarine and wishing our future Master and Commander of the Seven Seas, Prince George, a very Happy Birthday.
And to sing us out here's a special abridged version of our future national anthem:
Great. Brilliant. Typical. Alex Codd always has to have his own way doesn't he? He was supposed to be holding the referendum in 2020. But instead of having a 2020 vision he claims he has a more long-term vision and has decided to put it back a couple of years to 2022.
So the new date for the Un-separation referendum is 18th September 2022.
We all know why he has chosen to hold it in that year. 2022 is of course the 100th anniversary of Irish separation. It is also the year of the Belfast Commonwealth Games*. Alex Codd is trying to hijack big Irish events to bolster support for continued separation.
But nothing we can do about it. We'll just have to ensure we up our counter-brainwashing campaign and inject a double-dosage of emotional blackmail. That should do the trick!
*it appears in the parallel universe where no Irish referendum is happening that nor is the 2022 Commonwealth Games being staged in Belfast.
You may have noticed recently that we are struggling with our campaign. For some reason people in Ireland do not want to return to British rule. But what's wrong with being governed from Westminster? We'd be part of a bigger country. I mean Bigger is Better, right?
Ok I admit it. We are struggling with spin right now. My job is to make sure that all the newspapers are firmly on our side and that RTE becomes more like BBC Scotlandshire in its biased reporting. I have noticed however that in recent months our great leader, Ulster Dara Lean has become a figure of fun in the media and he has been making a right U-KOK-up. So the board headed by our Campaign Dictator, Bliar O'Doughnutall, has decided to sack him. He will now be replaced by an even greater muppet, Alasdair Dear. He has also agreed with David Cameron to adopt the role of Pretend Prime Minister of the UK so Alex Codd will agree to debate with him on all the issues concerning continued separation.
Alasdair Dear, Better Back Together's new leader
Meanwhile, another muppet, Danny Nicholas of the Liberal Demoncats will be given the role of Chief Naysayer of the Treasury. He will be working closely with the UK Chancellor George Osborne to compile a list of economic scare-stories to tell the people of Ireland concerning why Ireland can ill afford to be without that gigantic piggybank at Threadneedle Street in the heart of the glorious City.
We are indebted to the services of Dobby Elf-O'Xander, our Chief Emotional Blackmailer, over the last few years. We will never forget his many speeches where he has commented on the idea that the best way to feel like our family is our family and that they do not feel like foreigners is to be part of the UK. People all over Ireland are absolutely saddened at the idea that every time they board a plane in Dublin bound for Luton they are about to enter a foreign country where they will feel completely insecure. He will now be replaced with Douglas Nicholas (no relation to Danny).
Danny Nicholas, Chief Naysayer
Douglas Nicholas, Chief Emotional Blackmailer
Meanwhile we will continue to operate our campaign on a two-tier system. The first tier will be the superficial 'No-T'anks' operation which will be all about ensuring the campaign looks like it's making the positive case for the Reunion with a whole series of Hannah Montana style slogans and Olympic themed love-bombs. The second tier will be the serious side of the campaign, Project Fear which will be an operation designed to ensure that the people of Ireland are bombarded with messages of doom and gloom but that they are subtly conveyed as 'serious questions' so that the inquisitive Irish people only vote to keep Ireland separate to the UK if they are absolutely 100% certain about every last detail including what the weather will be on St Patrick's Day 2032. Meanwhile we will continue to keep the media well under our grip so that the people of Ireland can no longer escape our propaganda.
Oh the days of being able to sing Land of Hope and Glory in Phoenix Park and raise the Union Jack above Trinity College may soon be a complete reality. Till now we can only reflect on past glories as part of the Great British Empire with all its military pomp and ceremony. It's time for us to stand up and be proudly British!
Better Back Together are delighted with today's announcement that the 22nd edition of the Pretendy Empire Commonwealth Games are to be held in the fine and loyal city of Belfast.
And already they have unveiled their official mascot. Say hello to....
Actor Spike Spyers, who plays Shrek's long lost twin, Shrak, in the forthcoming sequel 'The Brothers Shrek', has added to the chorus of foreign actors who are giving their backing to Ireland's reunion with Great Britain.
Shrek and Shrak. Long lost brothers united for a common cause - to hunt down Bliar O'Dougall's long lost doughnuts.
Speaking on a phone line to Radio 4's Today programme, Spyers intially refused to comment but after receiving the BBC's infamous politicians treatment he was left with no choice but to air his views given the fact that everyone who has or attempts an Irish accent is obliged under Section 32 of the Celebrities' Code of Conduct to give an opinion about the forthcoming referendum no matter how irrelevant it is to them. We are also expecting the other actors who have portrayed characters with crappy Irish accents to be giving their views on the matter soon including Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Gerard Butler, Julia Roberts, Justin Theroux and David Boreanaz although Sean Connery is not expected to be pressed on the matter as he is probably a splittist so his views don't matter to us.
Commenting, Spike Spyers said "Obviously I absolutely love every aspect of Irish culture except its sense of self-determination. However, England's a greater country than Ireland and I'd be very sad
if Ireland wasn't to become a part of that greatness. The greatness of England flows through to Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland by belonging to the institutions of London. Who wouldn't want to say their capital city is London? I mean I envy you for not throwing away the pleasure of drinking tea like we did in Boston Harbour back in the 18th Century. Sorry, what's that you say? Oh right I forgot, I'm Canadian. But still people think Canada is part of America because America is of course such a great country. Yet America would have been an even greater country if it hadn't separated from Great Britain. You'd have had Tim Howard saving all of the goals that Luis
Suarez' and Mario Ballotelli scored against you.
The actors we believe should be given an honorary right to vote in the referendum simply for putting on an Irish accent.
Responding to Spike Spyers' intervention, Labour's wannabe Foreign-Secretary and Better Back Together's Chief Codd-hater Douglas Nicholas remarked: "It is fitting how the voice of Shrek has come out against continued Irish seperation because despite being the voice of some green mythical beast he has come right back to reality and now the only person truly living in the fairytale kingdom of Far Far Away is Alex Codd. He just cannot answer questions about how Ireland can continue to afford being independent and sooner or later the people of Ireland are going to realise what a mistake it is that their nation is sovereign, that Westminster aren't in charge of their welfare and defence. Meanwhile he is busy trying to stop people from even staying in touch with their foreign relatives in England. I may not have the evidence to prove it but I am convinced that Alex Codd is blocking all postal and telecommunication link to the UK. Don't bother to check if I'm telling you the truth because you'll just be wasting your time if you try contacting your foreign relatives. And people across our seperate nation are refusing to look out for their relatives in Britain because what Britishness we have left in us from the old empire days stops us from having any consideration towards foreigners."
Douglas Nicholas - appointed by Jake AR Owling to hunt down evil CyborGnats
If you agree with Spike Spyers that England knows how to govern Ireland better than ourselves then please join Better Back Together and start knocking on people's doors with a list of scare stories
from Far Far Away. We welcome your contribution to Project Fear and the person with the most imaginative and ludicrous scare story wins a special prize but we cannot tell you what that prize because as you know we are a very secretive organisation.
Anyway more and more celebrities are supporting our cause, real Irish celebrities as well as many more fake Irish celebrities. They are all declaring their love for us and saying to us 'Ireland, we t'ink you are better back together with your big brother, good old Shrek Britain.'
