Out with the old in with the new

Rob Gingerhouse
Dictator of Biased Communications

You may have noticed recently that we are struggling with our campaign. For some reason people in Ireland do not want to return to British rule. But what's wrong with being governed from Westminster? We'd be part of a bigger country. I mean Bigger is Better, right?

Ok I admit it. We are struggling with spin right now. My job is to make sure that all the newspapers are firmly on our side and that RTE becomes more like BBC Scotlandshire in its biased reporting. I have noticed however that in recent months our great leader, Ulster Dara Lean has become a figure of fun in the media and he has been making a right U-KOK-up. So the board headed by our Campaign Dictator, Bliar O'Doughnutall, has decided to sack him. He will now be replaced by an even greater muppet, Alasdair Dear. He has also agreed with David Cameron to adopt the role of Pretend Prime Minister of the UK so Alex Codd will agree to debate with him on all the issues concerning continued separation.

Alasdair Dear, Better Back Together's new leader

 

Meanwhile, another muppet, Danny Nicholas of the Liberal Demoncats will be given the role of Chief Naysayer of the Treasury. He will be working closely with the UK Chancellor George Osborne to compile a list of economic scare-stories to tell the people of Ireland concerning why Ireland can ill afford to be without that gigantic piggybank at Threadneedle Street in the heart of the glorious City.

We are indebted to the services of Dobby Elf-O'Xander, our Chief Emotional Blackmailer, over the last few years. We will never forget his many speeches where he has commented on the idea that the best way to feel like our family is our family and that they do not feel like foreigners is to be part of the UK. People all over Ireland are absolutely saddened at the idea that every time they board a plane in Dublin bound for Luton they are about to enter a foreign country where they will feel completely insecure. He will now be replaced with Douglas Nicholas (no relation to Danny).

Danny Nicholas, Chief Naysayer

 

 

Douglas Nicholas, Chief Emotional Blackmailer

 

Meanwhile we will continue to operate our campaign on a two-tier system. The first tier will be the superficial 'No-T'anks' operation which will be all about ensuring the campaign looks like it's making the positive case for the Reunion with a whole series of Hannah Montana style slogans and Olympic themed love-bombs. The second tier will be the serious side of the campaign, Project Fear which will be an operation designed to ensure  that the people of Ireland are bombarded with messages of doom and gloom but that they are subtly conveyed as 'serious questions' so that the inquisitive Irish people only vote to keep Ireland separate to the UK if they are absolutely 100% certain about every last detail including what the weather will be on St Patrick's Day 2032. Meanwhile we will continue to keep the media well under our grip so that the people of Ireland can no longer escape our propaganda.

 

Oh the days of being able to sing Land of Hope and Glory in Phoenix Park and raise the Union Jack above Trinity College may soon be a complete reality. Till now we can only reflect on past glories as part of the Great British Empire with all its military pomp and ceremony. It's time for us to stand up and be proudly British!