You're not getting our pound - but hey here's our debt, take it or else!

Danny Nicholas
Chief Naysayer at the Treasury

 

So yeah, just this morning this letter dropped through the freshly polished brass letterbox (which cost hundreds of pounds of taxpayers money to polish) at Number 11. It was from Alex Codd and it read like this:

 

 

Alex Codd

Office of the Taoiseach of Ireland

Rathlin House

Georgina Square

Dublin

D2 R2

 

15th September 2022

 

Dear Mr Nicholas

 

I am writing to you to make a very special offer. I notice just how hard it is to manage the economy in Great Britain and just how much of a burden all that debt is. Which is why we feel its only right that we should come to your help.

 

Our proposal is that the Irish government takes on a portion of the national debt of the UK. We know how important it is to ensure you can quickly reduce the mountain of debt that you inherited from Gordon Brown and continue to make under George Osborne.

 

We are fully prepared to take on this burden. But in order to make sure this can be done effectively we ask for only one thing in return. We ask in return for sharing the debt that we also share a common currency, the Pound Sterling. We feel this is a reasonable offer as the Pound Sterling would subsequently be strengthened by the vast oil reserves coming out of Ireland's portion of the North Atlantic. This can only help the economies of both Ireland and the UK working together in a currency union and we would therefore strongly encourage you to accept this offer that we propose.

 

If you don't wish to share your currency with us even though it would be in your country's best interests then we assume you're okay with honouring all of the debt that has been accumulated by your office over the course of many years. However, agreeing to join the UK as part of a formal political union is not desirable over here in the Republic of Ireland. We need to ensure our citizens are properly protected by the Irish state and though we are happy to work closely economically it is important that decisions affecting our welfare, taxation, broadcasting and other key areas are made in Ireland by the people that most care about our country, the people who live here in Ireland.

 

I know you will welcome the chance to alleviate a sizable portion of your debt and therefore be prepared to do take the opportunity to do so in exchange for a share of the Bank of England and with it a share of the Pound Sterling.

 

We therefore look forward to hearing from you with a reply to our generous offer.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

 

Alex Codd

Taoiseach of Ireland

 

 

 

I haven't replied yet but I'll tell you what I think of his proposal.

 

How dare he even think about trying to share the Pound?! It's our Pound, the UK's Pound not Ireland's. Ireland is a separate and foreign country that decided ungratefully to separate from the glorious union a hundred years ago. So they have no business asking to share the Pound. Anyway you don't have all that oil in the North Atlantic, it's running out. I know that because our esteemed Tory donor, Sir Ian Stone, tells us so. Therefore it must be running out.

 

But hey what's this? They want to share our debt? Now that's more like it! Well, I'll say to Alex Codd, you can have a portion of our debt seeing as you're so willing to take on a share of it. We'll just offload a certain amount of the debt on you and make sure the money markets believe its been yours all along so that when you don't pay they blame you instead of us. Sorry, we're the UK Government, we don't do deals, we just do pick'n'mix. We'll choose what we like to share but not what we don't like to share. We are the bigger island, you are our inferior neighbour therefore we will dictate the rules, you'll just have to follow them.

 

The only way feel like a better country is to give up your independence and join the United Kingdom because after all, bigger is better, innit?*

 

So we say No thanks to currency union but Yes please to debt sharing.

 

 

* - Sorry about that bit of slang there. It's just I've spent a bit too much time in London instead of my native Connaught.

Love your family? Vote No to ongoing seperation

Douglas Nicholas
Our Chief Emotional Blackmailer

 

Ok. Don't panic. We may have just slipped behind in our trusted U(kok)Gov poll but they don't call me Chief Emo for nothing. It is my duty to spread the word that if you truly love your family in England you will without hesitation sacrifice your sovereignty to give them a feeling that they are loved.

 

Don't you start telling us that you can just go and join in with Occupy London, or stand with Liverpudlians on the picket line, or fly over to witness your son graduating from Oxford University (if he's even clever enough to study there when he was born in a country that isn't part of the UK), or take your Granny in Leeds on a holiday to Scarborough. We Irish live in a country that is foreign to the UK so we just don't have the self esteem to do all that!

 

And do you love your family here in Ireland? Because without the support of unregulated bankers in the City of London how on earth do you expect your children to have a future? The only way you'll get the pension you need for your elders is if Westminster subsidises it because as you know, Ireland is too wee and too poor at the moment. All don't believe all that stuff that Alex Codd said about the sustainability of North Atlantic oil and gas. Yeah he quoted some figures given by respected oil tycoon and Tory party donor, Sir Ian Stone but as you maybe aware Sir Ian at times gets a little stoned (excuse the pun) so tends to be quite unrealistic when giving interviews to the media shortly afterwards. Or maybe he was telling the truth but just ended up sucking all the oil up himself and getting high that way.

 

 

 

Take your pick: Cereal? Puppies? Or nuclear weapons?

All the benefits that will come with joining the UK.

 

So folks don't be stupid. Look into my eyes. You will vote No thanks to continued Independence because you hate Alex Codd as he is an evil dictator who doesn't want you to be part of a family of nations and doesn't want you to feel in touch with your own family in England. You cannot feel anything for your family unless you are also ruled by the Tories in Westminster.

 

There that seems to be working. A wee bit of hypnotics can't go amiss now and again. But still it is my job to tell you frankly the feelings of hurt you will cause your family if you dare use your democratic vote to keep your sovereign parliament in Dublin. Would you rather Ireland was ruled by a group of Irish people that are obsessed with Guinness, St Patrick's Day and Gaelic Football? Or would you rather they were people who actually cared about nuclear weapons keeping your family feeling secure at night? Secure knowing that if they are attacked, London will leap to their defence and retaliate with a deadly nuclear attack on the foreign power responsible.

 

So that is why you should vote against Ireland remaining separate to the UK, to ensure your family is well looked after by a Westminster system that may soon be governed by the slightly less right wing British Labour Party. Of course it might be a hung parliament again so we'd have to be able to tailor our policies to suit Tory and UKIP MPs. But otherwise things will be ok under the slightly-less-right-wing and only-slightly-more-charismatic-than-Gordon-Brown leader Ed Miliband. And of course my counter part and inspiration from the 2014 No Thanks U-Kok campaign, their own Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander, will be in charge of foreign affairs making sure everyone who is a foreigner gets treated as an alien. Of course that must be a tricky job as he probably doesn't know how to tell the difference between an alien and Jim Murphy so he has to make sure he throws an egg at the correct target, doesn't want it hitting his own party colleague, now does he? Afterall it wouldn't do many favours for an already fractious Scottish Labour Party.

 

Anyway thank you for sparing a few minutes to take heed of my words of emotional blackmail. I hope you have found them positively energising, positively enough to find that ounce of positivity to make the positive case for the reunion. Otherwise what are you doing here? Now eat your cereal.

 

 

Look into my eyes: U-KOK 2014's Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander.

Just igNaw the Gnats

George Donegal
Unaffiliated contributor (we're a bit to embarrassed to have him on board but what the heck?!)

 

Ladies and gentlemen. We have a choice to make next month: Do we or don't we like having Alex Codd as Prime Minister of Ireland? If not then vote GNaw. Because by being part of the United Kingdom we can have the best of both worlds: an Irish parliament that is funded by generous subsidies from Westminster (because we believe Ireland's ability to fund itself is just an illusion) and the chance to be part of something that is bigger than Ireland but not as big as Europe which I also believe we should stay part of. By being part of the UK we can make sure that if Alex Codd is getting too carried away with his progressive welfare policy then we've got David Cameron and Iain Duncan Smith to stop him in his tracks and remind him that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

My new wonderfully crackpot campaign

By being part of the UK we will have the BBC. Why not spend 140 odd quid on a licence fee if you get the chance to enjoy biased broadcasting. You'll also get to audition to be part of reality TV shows where you could (potentially) win loads and loads of money by being publically humiliated in front of the whole nation and then you'll enjoy pages and pages of coverage in the Great British tabloids to help quench the English public's thirst for sensationalist journalism. Furthermore if you've ever really really wished you had recorded that lovely chat you had with your cousin over Skype last Saturday evening, fear not you will have it all done by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. Afterall, who else put the Sky back into Skype?

I for one can't wait to make a complete ass of myself on Big Brother. It will be lovely to bring a distinct Irish flavour to a house full of ignoramuses from Essex. Suddenly everyone throughout Great Britain will know my name and know the values I stand for, the values that put me in touch with ordinary plonkers. Plonkers who like to have a good time getting rich fast and having their photo taken with celebrities of all different reputations including some of the country's most influential personalities who have used their massive egos to access all areas of public life. And you too can audition to enter the Big Brother house simply by voting against Ireland remaining a separate nation state.

How I see myself in five years time

By becoming part of the British Empire you'll get to speak out against - the British Empire. But Alex Codd doesn't want to join in. He just wants to lord it over at Rathlin House because he is one big fat dictator (copyright Anas Makewar, 2013) running a quasi-Nazi party. I don't have time for that kind of dictator nor any dictators for that matter. Okay so I've met a few dictators myself but that was only because they were hated by Tony Blair and I hated Tony Blair because he was a posh twat who went to Fettes college and somehow managed to become Prime Minister while the UK political system shoved to the bottom those who were more radical in favour of more conservative 'Labour' folk. I don't want Ireland to be part of that system but nevertheless I want Ireland to stop it from happening by making sure we can elect politicians to the British parliament and yes we'll have to sacrifice our sovereignty to achieve it. It may take several hundred years to achieve but what does that matter if one day Britain will be a fairer society? Well, yes Ireland will have to be subject to some ghastly policies from the Tories in Westminster, welfare reforms and the relocation of Trident but we need to feel the pain of people in Liverpool to understand it, we should experience it for ourselves. To end poverty in Britain let us make ourselves impoverished so that if their poverty does not end then at least we are all sharing in the suffering.

 

 

A group selfie with some of my pals in Tehran

Now I did support the idea of a united Scotland becoming an independent country and I'm glad Scotland has their independence and I want an independent Palestine that enjoys freedom for all its citizens. But I don't want the same for Ireland. The people of Ireland should not be free because Ireland is just like England and it would be a pity to miss out on English culture. I am proud to an Irishman from Limerick but I also want to feel British so that I can go over and join the picket lines in England and Wales because for some reason I can't do that while Ireland is not part of the UK. It just seems morally wrong to have solidarity with people in other countries without being part of their country. That's why we need an organisation like Nob Orders!

So next month please vote against Ireland staying part of that community of nearly 200 independent nations because what is the point? You'll just continue having Alex Codd as Taoiseach for all eternity. But there is a positive case for the Reunion, you'll just have to read through pages and pages of rhetoric on Better Back Together's website to find it by which time you've probably lost interest and become too distracted by the webcam show put on by that sexy ginger in Arizona (I mean what the f**k was her family thinking when they emigrated in the 19th century, what on earth was going on back then during the years of the wonderful union between Ireland and England? Surely there wasn't some disaster happening as a consequence of aristocratic mismanagement in Ireland, was there?).

 

Think of the celebrities you'll meet when you take part in British reality shows!

 

Fast forward eight years.....

You may observe the date as 22nd July 2014, His future Majesty's first birthday. In fact as those of you in this parallel universe will observe, Prince George is nine years old today because today's date is 22nd July 2022. For those of you in the parallel universe that lacks an unseperation referendum all you need to do is add eight to the year you see displayed on every blog entry. So seemingly on the day that you vote in 2014 for or against Scottish separation from the UK we will be going to the polls in 2022 to vote against continued Irish separation from the UK.

We are of course very disappointed that you voted for independence. We think it's unbelievable that you are a wealthy nation enjoying a fairer society where there's no bedroom tax, Trident missiles have been banished, more money has been found to invest in your infrastructure, schools and hospitals and so on. How can any of that be happening? Well doesn't stop us believing that Ireland is Better Back Together because we love the good old days of the Empire punching its weight all around the world.

Long live Her Margarine and wishing our future Master and Commander of the Seven Seas, Prince George, a very Happy Birthday.

And to sing us out here's a special abridged version of our future national anthem:

God save our gracious Queen,

Long live our noble Queen,

God save The Queen!

Send her victorious,

Happy and glorious,

Long to reign over us,

God save The Queen.

 

Lord, grant that Marshal Wade,

May by thy mighty aid,

Victory bring.

May he sedition hush,

and like a torrent rush,

Rebellious Scots to crush,

God save The Queen.

Un-seperation Referendum postponed until 2022

Great. Brilliant. Typical. Alex Codd always has to have his own way doesn't he? He was supposed to be holding the referendum in 2020. But instead of having a 2020 vision he claims he has a more long-term vision and has decided to put it back a couple of years to 2022.

So the new date for the Un-separation referendum is 18th September 2022.

We all know why he has chosen to hold it in that year. 2022 is of course the 100th anniversary of Irish separation. It is also the year of the Belfast Commonwealth Games*. Alex Codd is trying to hijack big Irish events to bolster support for continued separation.

But nothing we can do about it. We'll just have to ensure we up our counter-brainwashing campaign and inject a double-dosage of emotional blackmail. That should do the trick!






*it appears in the parallel universe where no Irish referendum is happening that nor is the 2022 Commonwealth Games being staged in Belfast.

Out with the old in with the new

Rob Gingerhouse
Dictator of Biased Communications

You may have noticed recently that we are struggling with our campaign. For some reason people in Ireland do not want to return to British rule. But what's wrong with being governed from Westminster? We'd be part of a bigger country. I mean Bigger is Better, right?

Ok I admit it. We are struggling with spin right now. My job is to make sure that all the newspapers are firmly on our side and that RTE becomes more like BBC Scotlandshire in its biased reporting. I have noticed however that in recent months our great leader, Ulster Dara Lean has become a figure of fun in the media and he has been making a right U-KOK-up. So the board headed by our Campaign Dictator, Bliar O'Doughnutall, has decided to sack him. He will now be replaced by an even greater muppet, Alasdair Dear. He has also agreed with David Cameron to adopt the role of Pretend Prime Minister of the UK so Alex Codd will agree to debate with him on all the issues concerning continued separation.

Alasdair Dear, Better Back Together's new leader

 

Meanwhile, another muppet, Danny Nicholas of the Liberal Demoncats will be given the role of Chief Naysayer of the Treasury. He will be working closely with the UK Chancellor George Osborne to compile a list of economic scare-stories to tell the people of Ireland concerning why Ireland can ill afford to be without that gigantic piggybank at Threadneedle Street in the heart of the glorious City.

We are indebted to the services of Dobby Elf-O'Xander, our Chief Emotional Blackmailer, over the last few years. We will never forget his many speeches where he has commented on the idea that the best way to feel like our family is our family and that they do not feel like foreigners is to be part of the UK. People all over Ireland are absolutely saddened at the idea that every time they board a plane in Dublin bound for Luton they are about to enter a foreign country where they will feel completely insecure. He will now be replaced with Douglas Nicholas (no relation to Danny).

Danny Nicholas, Chief Naysayer

 

 

Douglas Nicholas, Chief Emotional Blackmailer

 

Meanwhile we will continue to operate our campaign on a two-tier system. The first tier will be the superficial 'No-T'anks' operation which will be all about ensuring the campaign looks like it's making the positive case for the Reunion with a whole series of Hannah Montana style slogans and Olympic themed love-bombs. The second tier will be the serious side of the campaign, Project Fear which will be an operation designed to ensure  that the people of Ireland are bombarded with messages of doom and gloom but that they are subtly conveyed as 'serious questions' so that the inquisitive Irish people only vote to keep Ireland separate to the UK if they are absolutely 100% certain about every last detail including what the weather will be on St Patrick's Day 2032. Meanwhile we will continue to keep the media well under our grip so that the people of Ireland can no longer escape our propaganda.

 

Oh the days of being able to sing Land of Hope and Glory in Phoenix Park and raise the Union Jack above Trinity College may soon be a complete reality. Till now we can only reflect on past glories as part of the Great British Empire with all its military pomp and ceremony. It's time for us to stand up and be proudly British!







Better Back Together welcomes Belfast 2022 announcement

Better Back Together are delighted with today's announcement that the 22nd edition of the Pretendy Empire Commonwealth Games are to be held in the fine and loyal city of Belfast.

And already they have unveiled their official mascot. Say hello to....

..... Lagan the Shamrock.