Time to consciously recouple!

By Alasdair Carraphael
UK Secretary of State for Irish relations

I am very proud to be Irish and British. Well, I'm British by virtue of being resident in Britain. But sadly my home country is foreign. Full of parochial paddies. But I am determined to change that by Ireland becoming a province of Britain. What an amazing site that would be. The tears would be streaming down my eyes when I look at an atlas and see all of Ireland covered in the same colour as Britain - prefereably yellow but we'll probably have to settle for blue.

I hate it when Alex Codd tries to mix patriotism with politics. Yes, we're the patriotic campaign for consciously recoupling Britain and Ireland. But that's different. When we fly the Union Jack high and proud that's not nationalism because British unity is a force for good as it goes all around the world telling people what they should do, how they should run their affairs and wandering into their countries fully armed to make sure they don't have an advantage over us in the nuclear arms race because Britain cannot be seen as lacking a superior nuclear arsenal. Oh and also when we're in those countries we make sure America gets adequate access to Middle Eastern oil. We can't deprive the Yanks of all that wealth they're entitled to now can we? Flying the Union Jack is not nationalism but flying the Irish tricolour without the Union Jack IS nationalism. Do the Irish nationalists not appreciate the privilege of dual identity that their ancestor's landlords were proud to possess before the peasants went and had their separate ways? I mean what is all this rubbish about a Partnership for Peace. Peace is for wusses. As part of the UK we will have all the power and prestige that comes with being a NATO country. Codd and Pike claim I am the Secretary of State against Ireland. That I am not Irish as I am really just a muppet. What would they know? They're just fish!

Let me be clear I am Irish. I drink Guinness and Bailey's, I wear wellies and I drive a tractor when I am in Ireland. But I am also British because when I'm in the South-east of England I drink Earl Grey tea and John Smiths, I wear freshly polished Charles Tyrwhitt shoes and I drive an expensive BMW. I want to make sure the Irish in my nominal constituency get to see all these things but because of separation nobody dares to import these things through Dún Laoghaire for fear that they'll be confiscated by the Garda. They fear they will be arrested for crimes against Irishness. I'm not tolerating this uncertainty anymore. Let's open up and be proudly British. Let's sing Land of Hope and Glory all they way from the Coleraine to Cork, from the Coast of Antrim to Connemara.

Let us consciously recouple. Let us be better back together as a region of precious Britannia.

Solidarity is as good a reason as any to be part of the UK

This weekend the Irish UK Labour Party held their annual conference in the fiery city of Waterford. Among the speakers, wannabe Foreign Secretary, Dobby Elf-O'Xander talks about the opportunities of solidarity that will come by sacrificing our independence.

 

 



"Can I thank our gracious donor David Guinness for the introduction. I'm sure David you will make an excellent Doctor Who once you finally get to be British.

Conference. Before I proceed. I would like to rubbish all these claims that I tried to stab my sister, Wendy House-Elf-O'Xander, in the back. We always fought as children, that's not in doubt but the most I would ever do to her was to poke her head down the toilet. Of course I didn't want her as leader of our party in Ireland, I know I can do a better job than her because I at least take the trouble to travel the world as part of my vanity project. But still would I honestly try and stop her being publically humiliated in front of Alex Codd?

Anyway. When I was over in London I was watching Sport Relief and there was Boyzone proudly partaking in a great British extravaganza. The sad thing about that however, was that they had to obtain Visas just to go over to London and perform. We are foreigners in a neighbouring country and we feel helpless to help people over there because they are not our compatriots. Ladies and gentlemen, this is simply not acceptable. We have the Tories imposing the bedroom tax on ordinary families all over Britain. It doesn't have to be like this and the solution to their problems on our part is surprisingly simple. We just have to vote No when asked if we want to remain separate in September 2020. By voting No we'll be able to help them by hard-working families in Ireland taking on the burdens of the bedroom tax and voting Labour in the 2025 General Election. Of course we hope Labour will win the General Elections in 2015 and 2020 but if not then hard-working Irish families can add to Labour's vote and Labour will win landslide elections and will be in power for ever and ever.

Now of course between becoming part of the UK in late 2020, early 2021 and the 2025 General Election we will have a few years of Irish families having to be charged the bedroom tax if we don't win the 2020 election and being sanctioned by the Jobcentre for only listing 29 steps a week when they have to list 30 steps a week in their jobseeker's diary. However, none of that will be a problem because Ireland will already have enough foodbanks stocked with donations of cheap junk food sent over by people in the Irish diaspora across the pond, the same people incidentally who used to fund the IRA so for once they will be doing some good.

Conference, I'm one of those Irish MPs lucky enough to hail from the part of Ireland that didn't choose separation and so I don't have to represent a constituency in England or Scotland. My Irish constituency is an actual constituency and not a nominal one. I'm very privileged to represent the people of Lisburn. But someone in Lisburn is no different to someone in Lancaster. Of course someone in Wexford is different to someone in Wakefield because they are foreigners to one another. It doesn't have to be that way. We can all one day enjoy the freedom of being able to march down the streets of Dublin with members of a local Orange lodge, flying a 6x3 foot Union Jack high above the air telling all the locals the significance of this flag which brings so many great feelings of prosperity to people all over the British Isles. Many thousands across the former British Empire are rich thanks to the great exploits that came from being part of Britain. Just such a shame those illustrious people were so greatly outnumbered in their own territories by rowdy separatists. Those separatists didn't know they were even born! And nor does Alex Codd and his awful Gnats. God forbid you'd think they didn't know places outside Ireland even existed. Alex Codd and Nicola Pike's band of Gnats are anti-English because by definition anyone that doesn't want their country to be part of the United Kingdom is anti-English. It's the same with Norwegians. They're all anti-Swedish because they don't want to be part of a Scandinavian union and likewise all Canadians are anti-American because they don't want to be in union with the USA. Ditto, the anti-Australian sentiment in New Zealand.

We must now fight mind, body, soul, tissue and toenails to reverse that dreadful decision made 90 years ago by our forefathers. How ridiculous of them to strip us of our British identity out of some grievances we really can't understand. I didn't exactly study Irish history when I was at school in Ulster, that simply wasn't British of the teachers so how do I know what their grudge is regarding the 1840's? Anyway the history we learned was so much more important like how Lord Kitchener told us not to be wimps and go out and patriotically fight for King and Country against those evil Germans and how those bloody sacrifices meant we didn't go to war again for another twenty years.

Conference, let us reclaim our rightful place in that amazing and most successful family of nations in all human history, the United Kingdom. We are Better Back Together."

Dobby posing with his soul-mate, St Douglas of Paisley

Codd Livers Oil

Ulster Dara Lean
Chairman

Clever isn't it? Codd Livers Oil. Basically these are the three things Alex Codd is obsessed with. He is obsessed with Liver of Midleinster, he is obsessed with oil in the North Atlantic and he is obsessed with himself.

Nothing wrong with supporting Liver of Midleinster. Since they are in my own nominal constituency I have, like life-long fan Codd, bought a season ticket to help Livers out of administration. I'm especially excited on derby day when they face local rivals from the other side of the Liffey, Caledonian. Since the excellent Terry Grocer took over as manager at Cals, fresh from Galway Hibernian Shamrock, I have of course new reasons to be worried on derby day. Hopefully though we'll see then end of the UBIGKOK saga which has caused so much trouble for Livers and the club's fans.

However, Alex Codd's obsession with North Atlantic Oil is ludicrous. See those rigs that seem to be drilling for oil and gas in the Corrib? Well they are really just an mirage caused by warm weather that travels up with the gulf stream. I mean how can Ireland be oil or gas rich? It makes no sense we only have peat bogs and Guinness, what use are those as exports? Anyway even if there are loads of oil and gas reserves in the Atlantic, they would just be a liability not an asset And it will all run out. So there. Ireland is too wee, too poor!

And as for being obsessed with himself, Alex Codd's narcissism is mind-blowing. I take great privilege from being a humble Thunderbirds puppet with David Cameron controlling my thoughts, words and actions. Gideon Osborne is doing a splendid job carrying on from where Alistair Darling left off as Chancellor of the Exchequer and I look forward to being an equally austere neo-liberal chancellor when Labour is re-elected in 2015, which I am 100% convinced will happen. I know that when I win a seat in England with Labour, Ed Miliband will replace Ed Balls with yours truly and then when 2020 comes and Ireland is reunified with Britain, Gordon Maroon will replace Ed Miliband as Prime Minister and my job will be secured for life. And no I am not displaying any self-obsession myself I am just stating what I firmly believe will happen, Labour will rise from the ashes and be a great and successful party that represents the interests of the South-east of England and allow Irish politicians the chance to contribute to the fortunes of the City of London.

So for those reasons I demand you vote No to continued separation from the United Kingdom.

Murphy announces split with Lidl

by Britt Ishnumbreighty
our Sports Officer

Better Back Together was saddened to learn today that Irish tennis hero Paddy Murphy has split from his coach of two years, Slovak-born Ivor Lidl.

Ivor Lidl overseeing the training of Paddy Murphy

It has seen Paddy enjoy some unprecedented success taking home many items of silverware though his collection sadly does not include any Grand Slams or Olympic Gold. This is something we hope will change when Ireland becomes part of the United Kingdom and then instead of being a loser as a result of being only Irish he can be a winner as a result of being British.

Indeed Ivor Lidl echoed our frustration by saying how his own country has suffered the trauma of a great split, the one that saw the Czech and Slovak Republics become foreign countries to one another.

"21 years ago", Ivor told us, "we saw the Velvet Divorce which meant where once me and Ivan Lendl were great pals and compatriots, fellow Czechslovaks, now we are bitter foreigners. So instead of being doubles partners we had to face each other on opposite sides of the net."

So today's announcement couldn't be all the more poignant as yet again Lidl suffers the end of a great partnership. But no doubt despite not yet announcing which way he intends to vote we all know Paddy will say that we are better back together as part of the UK since it means being able to feel that Wimbledon is now home-turf for Ireland's number 1 thus making him the perfect challenger as British number 80 to rapidly rise up the ranks to challenge Andy Murray for the top-spot thanks to his new found experience as a British winner.

Backstory to the Un-seperation Referendum

Ulster Dara Lean
Campaign Leader, Better Back Together

We are inseparable. That's what my grandfather once told me about our two great islands. He lived through those dark old times when we became a separate nation and that glorious feeling of Britishness departed our great land. I often asked him, what were those days like and he told me it was fantastic, everyone felt at peace so we aristocrats could carry on our daily business of looking down on our fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen and have them respecting us in our role. Those days are gone and now the Irish have a high level of self confidence that have meant the likes of my grandfather's family had to migrate to London for our careers. So instead of being born in Dublin, I was born an Englishman. Heck I just said the E-word! I mean I shouldn't be calling myself English, I wouldn't be seen dead saying that on the streets of Dublin. I can't call myself English because to say it is to exclude the Irish as my compatriots. I mean I feel for all those people throughout the two-thirds of the Emerald Island that don't have David Beckham, Kate Moss, John Bishop and Jeremy Kyle as their compatriots.

But there's a simple solution to that and it comes in the form of a referendum that will be held in 2020. As part of the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921 signed by both the Irish and British goverments a clause was included obliging the Irish parliament to hold a referendum within 99 years asking the Irish people if they wanted to return to the family of nations that is the wonderful and glorious United Kingdom. As you might expect Alex Codd tried to hide this information from the Irish people. Now we don't deny Codd and his INP won a thumping majority in the last Irish parliamentary elections in 2011 after my party's Irish leader, Sean White, fled from Dublin Connolly station and took refuge in a nearby Underground Sandwich Shop (or was it Greggs?). But that's no excuse for trying to hide information about the 99-year Referendum Clause from the Irish people. Eventually Alex Codd had no choice but to get round the table with David Cameron. And thankfully, as a result, the Dublin Agreement was signed. So we will hold the referendum six years from now (we wanted it sooner rather than later but concessions have to made).

David Cameron and Alex Codd enroute to the signing of the historic Dublin Agreement

 

The question that will be asked is:

Should Ireland remain an independent country

The two answers you can choose from are Yes and No.

This is the most important decision many of us will have to make.

In recent days myself, Gordon Maroon, Jean Bomoan, Anas Makewar and Margaret Berry have all been thrashing out plans for powers we will keep if you vote No and Ed Miliband wins the next UK general election. Shaun Davidson, who chairs the House of Commons Committee on Irish Continued Separation has not been taking part in this process as he objects to our proposals. However, I'm sure we'll be able to convince all of the other 250 Labour MPs that these power should and must be kept by the Irish Parliament. The Tories have their own plans which their Irish Leader Ruth Davidsdottir has unveiled but we disagree with them and of course Palpatine Campbell, with almost no input from Willie Gaviscon, has unveiled his own plans for a federal British Isles with himself as the Emperor. But the Lib Dems are unlikely to win more than five MPs so fingers crossed that Labour win the 2015 General Election by a landslide.

Show off your dream of a united Ireland subservient to a glorious United Kingdom

 

But we need the facts from the Nationalists. We need Alex Codd and Nicola Pike to explain why it is worth Ireland staying it alone when we have all the strength, all the security and all the clout that will come with being part of a much bigger nation than parochial, bog-trotting Ireland. Being part of the United Kingdom will make us feel great because being able to wrap yourself in blue, red and white creates a feeling of utter euphoria and is therefore an unspeakable privilege. We can't wave the Union Jack at present because we believe Alex Codd has banned any display of that glorious flag (at least that's what we think).

Please stop the Gnats from denying us the British pride that we are all entitled to. Tell your friends, family, colleagues, classmates, cats, dogs, horses and spiders that we will have the Best of Both Worlds as part of the United Kingdom.

Des Lynam joins Better Back Together

Although originally from County Clare, Desmond Lynam found his niche in County Down on its eponymous gameshow, CountDown. Until Richard Whitley's sad death it had been filmed in Leeds but when the producers of Yorkshire Pudding TV hired Des they discovered they accidentally agreed a contract with Des Lynam that made sure production of the gameshow was moved to a studio at Bangor in good old loyal Ulster. This allowed for more integration between UTV and mainland UK's independent TV networks so that Ulster's Channel 4 viewers could now be converted to a diet of Unionist propaganda. Whilst in County Down he also regularly guest-edited the local loyalist paper, The Daily Bangor Sandmash.

 

Des Lynam grandstanding in that great English institution, the BBC

 

Before that Des was presenter of the BBC's Grandstand showing all the great sporting action in England which we have been denied here in separate Ireland. Thanks to his, and only his influence, we got to watch these things on the RTE iPlayer. He was also a presenter of the BBC's coverage of the 1998 World Cup in France but declined to reappear four years later in Japan and Korea where both England and Ireland had qualified thus creating the discomfort of split loyalties, an experience matched only by Sven Goran Eriksson when England played against Sweden.

Born in 1942, Desmond Michael Lynam is old enough to remember the good old days when we were all together as one before those awful republicans decided to end our great loyalty to the British clown in 1949. He therefore qualifies for a full knighthood and already holds an OBE.

His experience in broadcasting has led to his impassioned belief that Great Britain and Ireland should once again be united as a single country and that Britannia should rule supreme over all Europe and even the World. This belief has driven him into strong right-wing politics and he is now a fully signed-up member of UKIP.



Des Lynam presenting another English sports show

Here's what he told our blogger:

"We really will have the best of both worlds as part of the UK. I live here in Brighton but my heart is back in County Clare. I don't want my heart and my body to be in two different countries, that's just weird!

I think Alex Codd lives in the past. I mean is he really right to complain about wrongs he thinks were done to the Irish when most of us believe it was all just an elaborately fabricated conspiracy to try and discredit the British government. And for all those people to leave our great and glorious United Kingdom for some other country that isn't even 250 years old when we've got all the great imperial history over here. People who complain about the Famine should remember that if it was really as bad as people say it was the Government would have spent a lot more on compensation for any misery caused than statues erected in Hyde Park, wouldn't they?

RTE is such a disappointment in Ireland. I mean you don't get any of the quality coverage that British television provides, Irish television is just so parochial and inward looking and even Mrs Brown and her Boys had to look east to the big island for their fortune. Not only that, as a consequence of separation, our esteemed Graham Norton is too young to enjoy the thrill of a knighthood.

So that is why I say No to Irish remain-separatism and Yes to British superiority over nasty neighbouring Europe. We are Better Back Together."

 

Des Lynam and Carol Vaudeville on the set of Game of Drones which is shot in Des's County Down Studio. It was started as a modern day version of a rival Ulster-based production that has a similar sounding name. Vaudeville appears here in costume as an American general.

If you agree with Des that Ireland should become part of the United Kingdom and adopt very British values then please please please please please join our campaign or donate every last penny you earn to us. You can also phone us by dialling 55378008 on your pocket calculator and turning it upside down.

Britain wins their first gold medal in the Paralympics....

.... thanks to someone who isn't from Great Britain.

God it gets confusing. But it just goes to prove how much more we can achieve when we are together. How many athletes has a separate Irish Paralympic Association sent forth to compete? Zilch. Nul. None. Absolutely nobody.

Congratulations Kelly for becoming GB's first Winter Paralympic Gold medallist.

One day she will also be our champion thanks to a decision we will make to re-join the UK.

 

We here at Better Back Together all congratulate Kelly Gallagher from Bangor Sandmash in CountDown on her extraordinary achievements on the White Caucasian mountains despite the fact that they are now rapidly turning green, we can only marvel at it. And someone else who is rapidly turning green - green with rage - is Alex Codd. And that's not just because he's gearing up for a great nationalist St Patrick's Day debacle! The sight of an Irish athlete singing God Save the Queen at full gusto, wearing Team GB colours, standing beneath the Union Jack must make him utterly cringe with disgust but ultimately fear as he realises that people throughout the separate Irish state are missing out on the great opportunity of winning a medal in downhill skiing.

St Patrick's Day is fast approaching but we mustn't let Alex Codd and his band of parochial nationalists from hijacking the occasion. We must urge them all to neutralise the vast sea of  tricolours with equally proud displays of Union Jack bunting across every street with a whole line of tables and benches stretching the whole length of the street serving ham sandwiches, sausages rolls, empire biscuits, orange squash and Earl Grey* tea possibly with the option of jam tomorrow on your sandwiches but always buttered together.

And if there has to be something alcoholic served with all that may I suggest a wonderful selection of our finest English sparkling wines fresh from the west country to prove just how much we love England and want to call their wine our wine.

Blair O'Dingle
Managing Director

Let's toast both St Patrick's Day and Team GB's success in style

 

 

 

*Due to our great respect for all British Prime Ministers past and present we always use capital letters in any reference to their names