Return to the United Kingdom or kiss the Blarney Stone goodbye

A couple of discoveries were made this weekend by researchers visiting the Blarney Stone. One was that there is chiselled into the stone the upside-down face of Brad Pitt. This was a jealously guarded secret by all of womankind which finally explains why so many of them tilt their head slightly to the left when kissing the stone. Isn't it funny how only the women knew it was there? The other discovery is that there is an eight-spoke cross on the underside of the stone with the letters HMGov. This is an extraordinary and important discovery because it means it is the property of the United Kingdom and therefore has to be repossessed by Her Majesty's Government in Westminster for storage within the UK's sovereign borders.

The Blarney Stone. Property of HM Government

Sadly that does not include the Republic of Ireland so Alex Codd's government will have to hand it back over the Irish Sea for storage in the Tower of London or otherwise cross-border trade will suffer and if that does not work in forcing Codd to hand over the Blarney Stone then the UK Government will have no choice but to invade the Republic of Ireland and bomb Shannon Airport until the stone has to be handed over for Londoners to kiss. And who can blame Londoners for wanting this so badly? They never travel west of the Reading Gap so they never get to kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Unless we reunite with Great Britain we will be obliged to lose the Blarney Stone and with it a key part of our tourism industry. The only way to keep the Blarney Stone is to be part of the United Kingdom.

There are many differing accounts of the exact history of the Blarney Stone. Alex Codd believes it was presented to King Cormac McCarthy by Robert the Bruce following the support he gave during the Battle of Bannockburn. Well, Alex Codd would believe that wouldn't he? He is in cahoots with the equally fishy Alex Salmond to not only keep Britain broken up but to extend it further to the removal of Scotlandshire from Great Britain. However we prefer to believe it was sent hurtling down to earth as a message from God above that if we dared to refuse union with Britain there would be further punishment. And so to show their loyalty to Britannia, people would kiss the stone and therefore feel secure that they had escaped the wrath of God. Of course this meaning has become lost in time and now the Nationalists are trying desperately to hide the truth. That is why the West British Labour Party have set up the Time Truth Team so that with generous donations from oil tycoons a team of WeBLab activists can be trained as archaeologists. They will study in greater detail the lines and grooves on the Blarney Stone to provide inconclusive evidence that the stone was a divine warning. And who knows, one day this might become the subject of yet another Dan Brown novel!

Members of the Time Truth Team 

If you care about the Blarney Stone make sure you tell your fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen that they will need to vote No to Ireland's continued independence from the UK. We are better back together because otherwise the world will end in a hail-storm of Blarney's siblings.

Eddie the Lizard: PLEASE DON'T STAY AWAY

Yemeni-born English comedian Edward Eckko, better known as Eddie the Lizard gave a superb speech yesterday urging the Irish to reject continued separation from mainland Britain. His plea was simple as he preached to the crowd of 50 politicians and converted reunionists at the Festival Theatre in Dublin: "Please don't stay away, please come back." Cue a stream of vile CyborGnats on twitter who branded him Eddie Geckko. I know we always put a G in front of the word nat when talking about nationalists but at least that's a silent G so why not be derogatory about people that want to keep our islands as separate nations? Eddie the Lizard is on the other hand a respectable London-based comedian who must be worshipped like a god and therefore all these insults come under the category of blasphemy.

At the event, Eddie the Lizard said "I feel frustrated as it is that I was born a Yeah-man and now I'm a Nor-man. I wish I wasn't so confused about my identity. Which is why I also want Yemen to join the UK. We had such a wonderful Empire, it made us a great nation. And by Ireland, India, New Zealand and the Maldives rejoining the UK then Irish people, Indians, New Zealanders and Maldivians can all enjoy the thrill of calling themselves 'British' and one day through Yemeni-British unification I too can stand in front of an audience at the West end and proudly say 'I was born and bred British and I'm proud of it!'

"You may remember I was in the cast of Valkyrie alongside Tom Cruise. I was playing one of Hitler's henchmen. And from my experience of playing the role and understanding the context of what motivated Adolf Hitler I could similarly apply this understanding to what motivated another and more contemporary Nazi - Alex Codd. Alex Codd is driven by obsessive Nationalism just like Mr Hitler but we over here in the future West Britain can stand tall and use the power of homogenous Britishness to drive back Alex Codd like we did against those Nazis all those years ago.

"You may have noticed I'm wearing Union-Jack painted finger nails. And you may have heard about the touch of death. Well thanks to this cunning idea I've had all I need to do to deal with those parochial nationalists is go up to them wave two finger nails in front of their eyes and at the shock of seeing the Union Jack they collapse. And then we can just hold them in detention until the referendum is over and the majority of Irish people left have proudly declared themselves 'British'"

If enjoyed that evening of light-hearted slagging-off Alex Codd and agree with Eddie the Lizard that Ireland is better back together as part of the UK please send doughnuts to us at:

Better Back Together (or else)
Hanover Square
Belfast
BT1 Nation

Time to consciously recouple!

By Alasdair Carraphael
UK Secretary of State for Irish relations

I am very proud to be Irish and British. Well, I'm British by virtue of being resident in Britain. But sadly my home country is foreign. Full of parochial paddies. But I am determined to change that by Ireland becoming a province of Britain. What an amazing site that would be. The tears would be streaming down my eyes when I look at an atlas and see all of Ireland covered in the same colour as Britain - prefereably yellow but we'll probably have to settle for blue.

I hate it when Alex Codd tries to mix patriotism with politics. Yes, we're the patriotic campaign for consciously recoupling Britain and Ireland. But that's different. When we fly the Union Jack high and proud that's not nationalism because British unity is a force for good as it goes all around the world telling people what they should do, how they should run their affairs and wandering into their countries fully armed to make sure they don't have an advantage over us in the nuclear arms race because Britain cannot be seen as lacking a superior nuclear arsenal. Oh and also when we're in those countries we make sure America gets adequate access to Middle Eastern oil. We can't deprive the Yanks of all that wealth they're entitled to now can we? Flying the Union Jack is not nationalism but flying the Irish tricolour without the Union Jack IS nationalism. Do the Irish nationalists not appreciate the privilege of dual identity that their ancestor's landlords were proud to possess before the peasants went and had their separate ways? I mean what is all this rubbish about a Partnership for Peace. Peace is for wusses. As part of the UK we will have all the power and prestige that comes with being a NATO country. Codd and Pike claim I am the Secretary of State against Ireland. That I am not Irish as I am really just a muppet. What would they know? They're just fish!

Let me be clear I am Irish. I drink Guinness and Bailey's, I wear wellies and I drive a tractor when I am in Ireland. But I am also British because when I'm in the South-east of England I drink Earl Grey tea and John Smiths, I wear freshly polished Charles Tyrwhitt shoes and I drive an expensive BMW. I want to make sure the Irish in my nominal constituency get to see all these things but because of separation nobody dares to import these things through Dún Laoghaire for fear that they'll be confiscated by the Garda. They fear they will be arrested for crimes against Irishness. I'm not tolerating this uncertainty anymore. Let's open up and be proudly British. Let's sing Land of Hope and Glory all they way from the Coleraine to Cork, from the Coast of Antrim to Connemara.

Let us consciously recouple. Let us be better back together as a region of precious Britannia.

Solidarity is as good a reason as any to be part of the UK

This weekend the Irish UK Labour Party held their annual conference in the fiery city of Waterford. Among the speakers, wannabe Foreign Secretary, Dobby Elf-O'Xander talks about the opportunities of solidarity that will come by sacrificing our independence.

 

 



"Can I thank our gracious donor David Guinness for the introduction. I'm sure David you will make an excellent Doctor Who once you finally get to be British.

Conference. Before I proceed. I would like to rubbish all these claims that I tried to stab my sister, Wendy House-Elf-O'Xander, in the back. We always fought as children, that's not in doubt but the most I would ever do to her was to poke her head down the toilet. Of course I didn't want her as leader of our party in Ireland, I know I can do a better job than her because I at least take the trouble to travel the world as part of my vanity project. But still would I honestly try and stop her being publically humiliated in front of Alex Codd?

Anyway. When I was over in London I was watching Sport Relief and there was Boyzone proudly partaking in a great British extravaganza. The sad thing about that however, was that they had to obtain Visas just to go over to London and perform. We are foreigners in a neighbouring country and we feel helpless to help people over there because they are not our compatriots. Ladies and gentlemen, this is simply not acceptable. We have the Tories imposing the bedroom tax on ordinary families all over Britain. It doesn't have to be like this and the solution to their problems on our part is surprisingly simple. We just have to vote No when asked if we want to remain separate in September 2020. By voting No we'll be able to help them by hard-working families in Ireland taking on the burdens of the bedroom tax and voting Labour in the 2025 General Election. Of course we hope Labour will win the General Elections in 2015 and 2020 but if not then hard-working Irish families can add to Labour's vote and Labour will win landslide elections and will be in power for ever and ever.

Now of course between becoming part of the UK in late 2020, early 2021 and the 2025 General Election we will have a few years of Irish families having to be charged the bedroom tax if we don't win the 2020 election and being sanctioned by the Jobcentre for only listing 29 steps a week when they have to list 30 steps a week in their jobseeker's diary. However, none of that will be a problem because Ireland will already have enough foodbanks stocked with donations of cheap junk food sent over by people in the Irish diaspora across the pond, the same people incidentally who used to fund the IRA so for once they will be doing some good.

Conference, I'm one of those Irish MPs lucky enough to hail from the part of Ireland that didn't choose separation and so I don't have to represent a constituency in England or Scotland. My Irish constituency is an actual constituency and not a nominal one. I'm very privileged to represent the people of Lisburn. But someone in Lisburn is no different to someone in Lancaster. Of course someone in Wexford is different to someone in Wakefield because they are foreigners to one another. It doesn't have to be that way. We can all one day enjoy the freedom of being able to march down the streets of Dublin with members of a local Orange lodge, flying a 6x3 foot Union Jack high above the air telling all the locals the significance of this flag which brings so many great feelings of prosperity to people all over the British Isles. Many thousands across the former British Empire are rich thanks to the great exploits that came from being part of Britain. Just such a shame those illustrious people were so greatly outnumbered in their own territories by rowdy separatists. Those separatists didn't know they were even born! And nor does Alex Codd and his awful Gnats. God forbid you'd think they didn't know places outside Ireland even existed. Alex Codd and Nicola Pike's band of Gnats are anti-English because by definition anyone that doesn't want their country to be part of the United Kingdom is anti-English. It's the same with Norwegians. They're all anti-Swedish because they don't want to be part of a Scandinavian union and likewise all Canadians are anti-American because they don't want to be in union with the USA. Ditto, the anti-Australian sentiment in New Zealand.

We must now fight mind, body, soul, tissue and toenails to reverse that dreadful decision made 90 years ago by our forefathers. How ridiculous of them to strip us of our British identity out of some grievances we really can't understand. I didn't exactly study Irish history when I was at school in Ulster, that simply wasn't British of the teachers so how do I know what their grudge is regarding the 1840's? Anyway the history we learned was so much more important like how Lord Kitchener told us not to be wimps and go out and patriotically fight for King and Country against those evil Germans and how those bloody sacrifices meant we didn't go to war again for another twenty years.

Conference, let us reclaim our rightful place in that amazing and most successful family of nations in all human history, the United Kingdom. We are Better Back Together."

Dobby posing with his soul-mate, St Douglas of Paisley

Codd Livers Oil

Ulster Dara Lean
Chairman

Clever isn't it? Codd Livers Oil. Basically these are the three things Alex Codd is obsessed with. He is obsessed with Liver of Midleinster, he is obsessed with oil in the North Atlantic and he is obsessed with himself.

Nothing wrong with supporting Liver of Midleinster. Since they are in my own nominal constituency I have, like life-long fan Codd, bought a season ticket to help Livers out of administration. I'm especially excited on derby day when they face local rivals from the other side of the Liffey, Caledonian. Since the excellent Terry Grocer took over as manager at Cals, fresh from Galway Hibernian Shamrock, I have of course new reasons to be worried on derby day. Hopefully though we'll see then end of the UBIGKOK saga which has caused so much trouble for Livers and the club's fans.

However, Alex Codd's obsession with North Atlantic Oil is ludicrous. See those rigs that seem to be drilling for oil and gas in the Corrib? Well they are really just an mirage caused by warm weather that travels up with the gulf stream. I mean how can Ireland be oil or gas rich? It makes no sense we only have peat bogs and Guinness, what use are those as exports? Anyway even if there are loads of oil and gas reserves in the Atlantic, they would just be a liability not an asset And it will all run out. So there. Ireland is too wee, too poor!

And as for being obsessed with himself, Alex Codd's narcissism is mind-blowing. I take great privilege from being a humble Thunderbirds puppet with David Cameron controlling my thoughts, words and actions. Gideon Osborne is doing a splendid job carrying on from where Alistair Darling left off as Chancellor of the Exchequer and I look forward to being an equally austere neo-liberal chancellor when Labour is re-elected in 2015, which I am 100% convinced will happen. I know that when I win a seat in England with Labour, Ed Miliband will replace Ed Balls with yours truly and then when 2020 comes and Ireland is reunified with Britain, Gordon Maroon will replace Ed Miliband as Prime Minister and my job will be secured for life. And no I am not displaying any self-obsession myself I am just stating what I firmly believe will happen, Labour will rise from the ashes and be a great and successful party that represents the interests of the South-east of England and allow Irish politicians the chance to contribute to the fortunes of the City of London.

So for those reasons I demand you vote No to continued separation from the United Kingdom.

Murphy announces split with Lidl

by Britt Ishnumbreighty
our Sports Officer

Better Back Together was saddened to learn today that Irish tennis hero Paddy Murphy has split from his coach of two years, Slovak-born Ivor Lidl.

Ivor Lidl overseeing the training of Paddy Murphy

It has seen Paddy enjoy some unprecedented success taking home many items of silverware though his collection sadly does not include any Grand Slams or Olympic Gold. This is something we hope will change when Ireland becomes part of the United Kingdom and then instead of being a loser as a result of being only Irish he can be a winner as a result of being British.

Indeed Ivor Lidl echoed our frustration by saying how his own country has suffered the trauma of a great split, the one that saw the Czech and Slovak Republics become foreign countries to one another.

"21 years ago", Ivor told us, "we saw the Velvet Divorce which meant where once me and Ivan Lendl were great pals and compatriots, fellow Czechslovaks, now we are bitter foreigners. So instead of being doubles partners we had to face each other on opposite sides of the net."

So today's announcement couldn't be all the more poignant as yet again Lidl suffers the end of a great partnership. But no doubt despite not yet announcing which way he intends to vote we all know Paddy will say that we are better back together as part of the UK since it means being able to feel that Wimbledon is now home-turf for Ireland's number 1 thus making him the perfect challenger as British number 80 to rapidly rise up the ranks to challenge Andy Murray for the top-spot thanks to his new found experience as a British winner.

Backstory to the Un-seperation Referendum

Ulster Dara Lean
Campaign Leader, Better Back Together

We are inseparable. That's what my grandfather once told me about our two great islands. He lived through those dark old times when we became a separate nation and that glorious feeling of Britishness departed our great land. I often asked him, what were those days like and he told me it was fantastic, everyone felt at peace so we aristocrats could carry on our daily business of looking down on our fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen and have them respecting us in our role. Those days are gone and now the Irish have a high level of self confidence that have meant the likes of my grandfather's family had to migrate to London for our careers. So instead of being born in Dublin, I was born an Englishman. Heck I just said the E-word! I mean I shouldn't be calling myself English, I wouldn't be seen dead saying that on the streets of Dublin. I can't call myself English because to say it is to exclude the Irish as my compatriots. I mean I feel for all those people throughout the two-thirds of the Emerald Island that don't have David Beckham, Kate Moss, John Bishop and Jeremy Kyle as their compatriots.

But there's a simple solution to that and it comes in the form of a referendum that will be held in 2020. As part of the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921 signed by both the Irish and British goverments a clause was included obliging the Irish parliament to hold a referendum within 99 years asking the Irish people if they wanted to return to the family of nations that is the wonderful and glorious United Kingdom. As you might expect Alex Codd tried to hide this information from the Irish people. Now we don't deny Codd and his INP won a thumping majority in the last Irish parliamentary elections in 2011 after my party's Irish leader, Sean White, fled from Dublin Connolly station and took refuge in a nearby Underground Sandwich Shop (or was it Greggs?). But that's no excuse for trying to hide information about the 99-year Referendum Clause from the Irish people. Eventually Alex Codd had no choice but to get round the table with David Cameron. And thankfully, as a result, the Dublin Agreement was signed. So we will hold the referendum six years from now (we wanted it sooner rather than later but concessions have to made).

David Cameron and Alex Codd enroute to the signing of the historic Dublin Agreement

 

The question that will be asked is:

Should Ireland remain an independent country

The two answers you can choose from are Yes and No.

This is the most important decision many of us will have to make.

In recent days myself, Gordon Maroon, Jean Bomoan, Anas Makewar and Margaret Berry have all been thrashing out plans for powers we will keep if you vote No and Ed Miliband wins the next UK general election. Shaun Davidson, who chairs the House of Commons Committee on Irish Continued Separation has not been taking part in this process as he objects to our proposals. However, I'm sure we'll be able to convince all of the other 250 Labour MPs that these power should and must be kept by the Irish Parliament. The Tories have their own plans which their Irish Leader Ruth Davidsdottir has unveiled but we disagree with them and of course Palpatine Campbell, with almost no input from Willie Gaviscon, has unveiled his own plans for a federal British Isles with himself as the Emperor. But the Lib Dems are unlikely to win more than five MPs so fingers crossed that Labour win the 2015 General Election by a landslide.

Show off your dream of a united Ireland subservient to a glorious United Kingdom

 

But we need the facts from the Nationalists. We need Alex Codd and Nicola Pike to explain why it is worth Ireland staying it alone when we have all the strength, all the security and all the clout that will come with being part of a much bigger nation than parochial, bog-trotting Ireland. Being part of the United Kingdom will make us feel great because being able to wrap yourself in blue, red and white creates a feeling of utter euphoria and is therefore an unspeakable privilege. We can't wave the Union Jack at present because we believe Alex Codd has banned any display of that glorious flag (at least that's what we think).

Please stop the Gnats from denying us the British pride that we are all entitled to. Tell your friends, family, colleagues, classmates, cats, dogs, horses and spiders that we will have the Best of Both Worlds as part of the United Kingdom.