You're not getting our pound - but hey here's our debt, take it or else!

Danny Nicholas
Chief Naysayer at the Treasury

 

So yeah, just this morning this letter dropped through the freshly polished brass letterbox (which cost hundreds of pounds of taxpayers money to polish) at Number 11. It was from Alex Codd and it read like this:

 

 

Alex Codd

Office of the Taoiseach of Ireland

Rathlin House

Georgina Square

Dublin

D2 R2

 

15th September 2022

 

Dear Mr Nicholas

 

I am writing to you to make a very special offer. I notice just how hard it is to manage the economy in Great Britain and just how much of a burden all that debt is. Which is why we feel its only right that we should come to your help.

 

Our proposal is that the Irish government takes on a portion of the national debt of the UK. We know how important it is to ensure you can quickly reduce the mountain of debt that you inherited from Gordon Brown and continue to make under George Osborne.

 

We are fully prepared to take on this burden. But in order to make sure this can be done effectively we ask for only one thing in return. We ask in return for sharing the debt that we also share a common currency, the Pound Sterling. We feel this is a reasonable offer as the Pound Sterling would subsequently be strengthened by the vast oil reserves coming out of Ireland's portion of the North Atlantic. This can only help the economies of both Ireland and the UK working together in a currency union and we would therefore strongly encourage you to accept this offer that we propose.

 

If you don't wish to share your currency with us even though it would be in your country's best interests then we assume you're okay with honouring all of the debt that has been accumulated by your office over the course of many years. However, agreeing to join the UK as part of a formal political union is not desirable over here in the Republic of Ireland. We need to ensure our citizens are properly protected by the Irish state and though we are happy to work closely economically it is important that decisions affecting our welfare, taxation, broadcasting and other key areas are made in Ireland by the people that most care about our country, the people who live here in Ireland.

 

I know you will welcome the chance to alleviate a sizable portion of your debt and therefore be prepared to do take the opportunity to do so in exchange for a share of the Bank of England and with it a share of the Pound Sterling.

 

We therefore look forward to hearing from you with a reply to our generous offer.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

 

Alex Codd

Taoiseach of Ireland

 

 

 

I haven't replied yet but I'll tell you what I think of his proposal.

 

How dare he even think about trying to share the Pound?! It's our Pound, the UK's Pound not Ireland's. Ireland is a separate and foreign country that decided ungratefully to separate from the glorious union a hundred years ago. So they have no business asking to share the Pound. Anyway you don't have all that oil in the North Atlantic, it's running out. I know that because our esteemed Tory donor, Sir Ian Stone, tells us so. Therefore it must be running out.

 

But hey what's this? They want to share our debt? Now that's more like it! Well, I'll say to Alex Codd, you can have a portion of our debt seeing as you're so willing to take on a share of it. We'll just offload a certain amount of the debt on you and make sure the money markets believe its been yours all along so that when you don't pay they blame you instead of us. Sorry, we're the UK Government, we don't do deals, we just do pick'n'mix. We'll choose what we like to share but not what we don't like to share. We are the bigger island, you are our inferior neighbour therefore we will dictate the rules, you'll just have to follow them.

 

The only way feel like a better country is to give up your independence and join the United Kingdom because after all, bigger is better, innit?*

 

So we say No thanks to currency union but Yes please to debt sharing.

 

 

* - Sorry about that bit of slang there. It's just I've spent a bit too much time in London instead of my native Connaught.

Love your family? Vote No to ongoing seperation

Douglas Nicholas
Our Chief Emotional Blackmailer

 

Ok. Don't panic. We may have just slipped behind in our trusted U(kok)Gov poll but they don't call me Chief Emo for nothing. It is my duty to spread the word that if you truly love your family in England you will without hesitation sacrifice your sovereignty to give them a feeling that they are loved.

 

Don't you start telling us that you can just go and join in with Occupy London, or stand with Liverpudlians on the picket line, or fly over to witness your son graduating from Oxford University (if he's even clever enough to study there when he was born in a country that isn't part of the UK), or take your Granny in Leeds on a holiday to Scarborough. We Irish live in a country that is foreign to the UK so we just don't have the self esteem to do all that!

 

And do you love your family here in Ireland? Because without the support of unregulated bankers in the City of London how on earth do you expect your children to have a future? The only way you'll get the pension you need for your elders is if Westminster subsidises it because as you know, Ireland is too wee and too poor at the moment. All don't believe all that stuff that Alex Codd said about the sustainability of North Atlantic oil and gas. Yeah he quoted some figures given by respected oil tycoon and Tory party donor, Sir Ian Stone but as you maybe aware Sir Ian at times gets a little stoned (excuse the pun) so tends to be quite unrealistic when giving interviews to the media shortly afterwards. Or maybe he was telling the truth but just ended up sucking all the oil up himself and getting high that way.

 

 

 

Take your pick: Cereal? Puppies? Or nuclear weapons?

All the benefits that will come with joining the UK.

 

So folks don't be stupid. Look into my eyes. You will vote No thanks to continued Independence because you hate Alex Codd as he is an evil dictator who doesn't want you to be part of a family of nations and doesn't want you to feel in touch with your own family in England. You cannot feel anything for your family unless you are also ruled by the Tories in Westminster.

 

There that seems to be working. A wee bit of hypnotics can't go amiss now and again. But still it is my job to tell you frankly the feelings of hurt you will cause your family if you dare use your democratic vote to keep your sovereign parliament in Dublin. Would you rather Ireland was ruled by a group of Irish people that are obsessed with Guinness, St Patrick's Day and Gaelic Football? Or would you rather they were people who actually cared about nuclear weapons keeping your family feeling secure at night? Secure knowing that if they are attacked, London will leap to their defence and retaliate with a deadly nuclear attack on the foreign power responsible.

 

So that is why you should vote against Ireland remaining separate to the UK, to ensure your family is well looked after by a Westminster system that may soon be governed by the slightly less right wing British Labour Party. Of course it might be a hung parliament again so we'd have to be able to tailor our policies to suit Tory and UKIP MPs. But otherwise things will be ok under the slightly-less-right-wing and only-slightly-more-charismatic-than-Gordon-Brown leader Ed Miliband. And of course my counter part and inspiration from the 2014 No Thanks U-Kok campaign, their own Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander, will be in charge of foreign affairs making sure everyone who is a foreigner gets treated as an alien. Of course that must be a tricky job as he probably doesn't know how to tell the difference between an alien and Jim Murphy so he has to make sure he throws an egg at the correct target, doesn't want it hitting his own party colleague, now does he? Afterall it wouldn't do many favours for an already fractious Scottish Labour Party.

 

Anyway thank you for sparing a few minutes to take heed of my words of emotional blackmail. I hope you have found them positively energising, positively enough to find that ounce of positivity to make the positive case for the reunion. Otherwise what are you doing here? Now eat your cereal.

 

 

Look into my eyes: U-KOK 2014's Chief Emo, Douglas Alexander.

Just igNaw the Gnats

George Donegal
Unaffiliated contributor (we're a bit to embarrassed to have him on board but what the heck?!)

 

Ladies and gentlemen. We have a choice to make next month: Do we or don't we like having Alex Codd as Prime Minister of Ireland? If not then vote GNaw. Because by being part of the United Kingdom we can have the best of both worlds: an Irish parliament that is funded by generous subsidies from Westminster (because we believe Ireland's ability to fund itself is just an illusion) and the chance to be part of something that is bigger than Ireland but not as big as Europe which I also believe we should stay part of. By being part of the UK we can make sure that if Alex Codd is getting too carried away with his progressive welfare policy then we've got David Cameron and Iain Duncan Smith to stop him in his tracks and remind him that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

My new wonderfully crackpot campaign

By being part of the UK we will have the BBC. Why not spend 140 odd quid on a licence fee if you get the chance to enjoy biased broadcasting. You'll also get to audition to be part of reality TV shows where you could (potentially) win loads and loads of money by being publically humiliated in front of the whole nation and then you'll enjoy pages and pages of coverage in the Great British tabloids to help quench the English public's thirst for sensationalist journalism. Furthermore if you've ever really really wished you had recorded that lovely chat you had with your cousin over Skype last Saturday evening, fear not you will have it all done by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. Afterall, who else put the Sky back into Skype?

I for one can't wait to make a complete ass of myself on Big Brother. It will be lovely to bring a distinct Irish flavour to a house full of ignoramuses from Essex. Suddenly everyone throughout Great Britain will know my name and know the values I stand for, the values that put me in touch with ordinary plonkers. Plonkers who like to have a good time getting rich fast and having their photo taken with celebrities of all different reputations including some of the country's most influential personalities who have used their massive egos to access all areas of public life. And you too can audition to enter the Big Brother house simply by voting against Ireland remaining a separate nation state.

How I see myself in five years time

By becoming part of the British Empire you'll get to speak out against - the British Empire. But Alex Codd doesn't want to join in. He just wants to lord it over at Rathlin House because he is one big fat dictator (copyright Anas Makewar, 2013) running a quasi-Nazi party. I don't have time for that kind of dictator nor any dictators for that matter. Okay so I've met a few dictators myself but that was only because they were hated by Tony Blair and I hated Tony Blair because he was a posh twat who went to Fettes college and somehow managed to become Prime Minister while the UK political system shoved to the bottom those who were more radical in favour of more conservative 'Labour' folk. I don't want Ireland to be part of that system but nevertheless I want Ireland to stop it from happening by making sure we can elect politicians to the British parliament and yes we'll have to sacrifice our sovereignty to achieve it. It may take several hundred years to achieve but what does that matter if one day Britain will be a fairer society? Well, yes Ireland will have to be subject to some ghastly policies from the Tories in Westminster, welfare reforms and the relocation of Trident but we need to feel the pain of people in Liverpool to understand it, we should experience it for ourselves. To end poverty in Britain let us make ourselves impoverished so that if their poverty does not end then at least we are all sharing in the suffering.

 

 

A group selfie with some of my pals in Tehran

Now I did support the idea of a united Scotland becoming an independent country and I'm glad Scotland has their independence and I want an independent Palestine that enjoys freedom for all its citizens. But I don't want the same for Ireland. The people of Ireland should not be free because Ireland is just like England and it would be a pity to miss out on English culture. I am proud to an Irishman from Limerick but I also want to feel British so that I can go over and join the picket lines in England and Wales because for some reason I can't do that while Ireland is not part of the UK. It just seems morally wrong to have solidarity with people in other countries without being part of their country. That's why we need an organisation like Nob Orders!

So next month please vote against Ireland staying part of that community of nearly 200 independent nations because what is the point? You'll just continue having Alex Codd as Taoiseach for all eternity. But there is a positive case for the Reunion, you'll just have to read through pages and pages of rhetoric on Better Back Together's website to find it by which time you've probably lost interest and become too distracted by the webcam show put on by that sexy ginger in Arizona (I mean what the f**k was her family thinking when they emigrated in the 19th century, what on earth was going on back then during the years of the wonderful union between Ireland and England? Surely there wasn't some disaster happening as a consequence of aristocratic mismanagement in Ireland, was there?).

 

Think of the celebrities you'll meet when you take part in British reality shows!

 

Fast forward eight years.....

You may observe the date as 22nd July 2014, His future Majesty's first birthday. In fact as those of you in this parallel universe will observe, Prince George is nine years old today because today's date is 22nd July 2022. For those of you in the parallel universe that lacks an unseperation referendum all you need to do is add eight to the year you see displayed on every blog entry. So seemingly on the day that you vote in 2014 for or against Scottish separation from the UK we will be going to the polls in 2022 to vote against continued Irish separation from the UK.

We are of course very disappointed that you voted for independence. We think it's unbelievable that you are a wealthy nation enjoying a fairer society where there's no bedroom tax, Trident missiles have been banished, more money has been found to invest in your infrastructure, schools and hospitals and so on. How can any of that be happening? Well doesn't stop us believing that Ireland is Better Back Together because we love the good old days of the Empire punching its weight all around the world.

Long live Her Margarine and wishing our future Master and Commander of the Seven Seas, Prince George, a very Happy Birthday.

And to sing us out here's a special abridged version of our future national anthem:

God save our gracious Queen,

Long live our noble Queen,

God save The Queen!

Send her victorious,

Happy and glorious,

Long to reign over us,

God save The Queen.

 

Lord, grant that Marshal Wade,

May by thy mighty aid,

Victory bring.

May he sedition hush,

and like a torrent rush,

Rebellious Scots to crush,

God save The Queen.

Un-seperation Referendum postponed until 2022

Great. Brilliant. Typical. Alex Codd always has to have his own way doesn't he? He was supposed to be holding the referendum in 2020. But instead of having a 2020 vision he claims he has a more long-term vision and has decided to put it back a couple of years to 2022.

So the new date for the Un-separation referendum is 18th September 2022.

We all know why he has chosen to hold it in that year. 2022 is of course the 100th anniversary of Irish separation. It is also the year of the Belfast Commonwealth Games*. Alex Codd is trying to hijack big Irish events to bolster support for continued separation.

But nothing we can do about it. We'll just have to ensure we up our counter-brainwashing campaign and inject a double-dosage of emotional blackmail. That should do the trick!






*it appears in the parallel universe where no Irish referendum is happening that nor is the 2022 Commonwealth Games being staged in Belfast.

Out with the old in with the new

Rob Gingerhouse
Dictator of Biased Communications

You may have noticed recently that we are struggling with our campaign. For some reason people in Ireland do not want to return to British rule. But what's wrong with being governed from Westminster? We'd be part of a bigger country. I mean Bigger is Better, right?

Ok I admit it. We are struggling with spin right now. My job is to make sure that all the newspapers are firmly on our side and that RTE becomes more like BBC Scotlandshire in its biased reporting. I have noticed however that in recent months our great leader, Ulster Dara Lean has become a figure of fun in the media and he has been making a right U-KOK-up. So the board headed by our Campaign Dictator, Bliar O'Doughnutall, has decided to sack him. He will now be replaced by an even greater muppet, Alasdair Dear. He has also agreed with David Cameron to adopt the role of Pretend Prime Minister of the UK so Alex Codd will agree to debate with him on all the issues concerning continued separation.

Alasdair Dear, Better Back Together's new leader

 

Meanwhile, another muppet, Danny Nicholas of the Liberal Demoncats will be given the role of Chief Naysayer of the Treasury. He will be working closely with the UK Chancellor George Osborne to compile a list of economic scare-stories to tell the people of Ireland concerning why Ireland can ill afford to be without that gigantic piggybank at Threadneedle Street in the heart of the glorious City.

We are indebted to the services of Dobby Elf-O'Xander, our Chief Emotional Blackmailer, over the last few years. We will never forget his many speeches where he has commented on the idea that the best way to feel like our family is our family and that they do not feel like foreigners is to be part of the UK. People all over Ireland are absolutely saddened at the idea that every time they board a plane in Dublin bound for Luton they are about to enter a foreign country where they will feel completely insecure. He will now be replaced with Douglas Nicholas (no relation to Danny).

Danny Nicholas, Chief Naysayer

 

 

Douglas Nicholas, Chief Emotional Blackmailer

 

Meanwhile we will continue to operate our campaign on a two-tier system. The first tier will be the superficial 'No-T'anks' operation which will be all about ensuring the campaign looks like it's making the positive case for the Reunion with a whole series of Hannah Montana style slogans and Olympic themed love-bombs. The second tier will be the serious side of the campaign, Project Fear which will be an operation designed to ensure  that the people of Ireland are bombarded with messages of doom and gloom but that they are subtly conveyed as 'serious questions' so that the inquisitive Irish people only vote to keep Ireland separate to the UK if they are absolutely 100% certain about every last detail including what the weather will be on St Patrick's Day 2032. Meanwhile we will continue to keep the media well under our grip so that the people of Ireland can no longer escape our propaganda.

 

Oh the days of being able to sing Land of Hope and Glory in Phoenix Park and raise the Union Jack above Trinity College may soon be a complete reality. Till now we can only reflect on past glories as part of the Great British Empire with all its military pomp and ceremony. It's time for us to stand up and be proudly British!







Better Back Together welcomes Belfast 2022 announcement

Better Back Together are delighted with today's announcement that the 22nd edition of the Pretendy Empire Commonwealth Games are to be held in the fine and loyal city of Belfast.

And already they have unveiled their official mascot. Say hello to....

..... Lagan the Shamrock.

Shrek actor says "Eey-naw!"

Actor Spike Spyers, who plays Shrek's long lost twin, Shrak, in the forthcoming sequel 'The Brothers Shrek', has added to the chorus of foreign actors who are giving their backing to Ireland's reunion with Great Britain.

Shrek and Shrak. Long lost brothers united for a common cause - to hunt down Bliar O'Dougall's long lost doughnuts.

Speaking on a phone line to Radio 4's Today programme, Spyers intially refused to comment but after receiving the BBC's infamous politicians treatment he was left with no choice but to air his views given the fact that everyone who has or attempts an Irish accent is obliged under Section 32 of the Celebrities' Code of Conduct to give an opinion about the forthcoming referendum no matter how irrelevant it is to them. We are also expecting the other actors who have portrayed characters with crappy Irish accents to be giving their views on the matter soon including Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Gerard Butler, Julia Roberts, Justin Theroux and David Boreanaz although Sean Connery is not expected to be pressed on the matter as he is probably a splittist so his views don't matter to us.

Commenting, Spike Spyers said "Obviously I absolutely love every aspect of Irish culture except its sense of self-determination. However, England's a greater country than Ireland and I'd be very sad
if Ireland wasn't to become a part of that greatness. The greatness of England flows through to Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland by belonging to the institutions of London. Who wouldn't want to say their capital city is London? I mean I envy you for not throwing away the pleasure of drinking tea like we did in Boston Harbour back in the 18th Century. Sorry, what's that you say? Oh right I forgot, I'm Canadian. But still people think Canada is part of America because America is of course such a great country. Yet America would have been an even greater country if it hadn't separated from Great Britain. You'd have had Tim Howard saving all of the goals that Luis
Suarez' and Mario Ballotelli scored against you.



The actors we believe should be given an honorary right to vote in the referendum simply for putting on an Irish accent.

Responding to Spike Spyers' intervention, Labour's wannabe Foreign-Secretary and Better Back Together's Chief Codd-hater Douglas Nicholas remarked: "It is fitting how the voice of Shrek has come out against continued Irish seperation because despite being the voice of some green mythical beast he has come right back to reality and now the only person truly living in the fairytale kingdom of Far Far Away is Alex Codd. He just cannot answer questions about how Ireland can continue to afford being independent and sooner or later the people of Ireland are going to realise what a mistake it is that their nation is sovereign, that Westminster aren't in charge of their welfare and defence. Meanwhile he is busy trying to stop people from even staying in touch with their foreign relatives in England. I may not have the evidence to prove it but I am convinced that Alex Codd is blocking all postal and telecommunication link to the UK. Don't bother to check if I'm telling you the truth because you'll just be wasting your time if you try contacting your foreign relatives. And people across our seperate nation are refusing to look out for their relatives in Britain because what Britishness we have left in us from the old empire days stops us from having any consideration towards foreigners."

Douglas Nicholas - appointed by Jake AR Owling to hunt down evil CyborGnats

 

If you agree with Spike Spyers that England knows how to govern Ireland better than ourselves then please join Better Back Together and start knocking on people's doors with a list of scare stories
from Far Far Away. We welcome your contribution to Project Fear and the person with the most imaginative and ludicrous scare story wins a special prize but we cannot tell you what that prize because as you know we are a very secretive organisation.

Anyway more and more celebrities are supporting our cause, real Irish celebrities as well as many more fake Irish celebrities. They are all declaring their love for us and saying to us 'Ireland, we t'ink you are better back together with your big brother, good old Shrek Britain.'

Codd's magic money is just leprechaun gold

Willie Gaviscon
Leader of the Irish Liberal Demoncats

Alex Codd is facing embarrassing questions over how he plans to continue funding the separate Irish Ministry of Magic. He claims he has all the money he needs to fund the ministry and all its services because, so he says, the wizards and witches are very wealthy people and supposedly most of the costs are found by people in the magic sector themselves. But as it was revealed in a leaked memo (picture courtesy of Adobe Photoshop) that wizards and witches are too wee, too stupid and too poor. So instead Alex Codd has had no option but to use Leprechaun gold which is just fake money. We all know how transient such gold is because my party used it to colour in the bird on our logo but when we jumped into bed with the Tories it quickly turned to blue and it just disappeared into nowhere. What Alex Codd has done is a great breach of the trust the electorate have put in him. I hope they see his lies and elect me instead my party never break promises do they now?

An artist's impression of Alex Codd playing with Leprechaun money.

In order to continue funding the World of Witchcraft and Wizardry, we Muggles must step in to subsidise these people. But we're not going to achieve that by the expense of a separate Irish MoM. Instead we need a merger with another such ministry, one in a country with a larger economy. That is why we should return to British rule so we can be run by a more effective and more streamlined MoM. Alex Codd claims we can do that as a separate Ireland but he knows damn well that's simply not possible. Also how are we going to successfully defend ourselves against the torrent of deatheater cyborGnats without the protection of more dementors? I mean what's wrong with being reminded a little more of traumatic memories if it means you and your family are safe at night? I mean what could possibly go wrong with dementors out on the loose? All these tales about them sucking out innocent people's souls are just plain cobblewash.

We need the British Ministry of Magic with it's unapologetically obnoxious Minister Cornelius Fudge in charge because that's the only way we can make sure Ireland's magical community knows its place, as subservient to their Muggle superiors. However, Codd does not seem to know how to take the threats coming out of the magical community seriously enough. In fact just a couple of years ago he was in denial that there was even a such thing as magic. But then we sent or resident Timelord Robin Bagpiper, formerly of the Irish Green Party, to investigate and what we discovered was truly shocking. He discovered that Alex Codd is himself a wizard, a clever magician who can trick the people of Ireland into believing they are better off as a separate nation.

Our resident Timelord, Robin Bagpiper



We know we can't trust Codd and revelations about the cost of running a separate Irish Ministry of Magic prove this. We know he has a lot to answer for regarding some recent dark activity in Ireland's magical community. Just last week, after eminent Magic encyclopaedist, Jake AR Owling generously donated €1 million to Better Back Together she received so many death threats from the Gnats that we were forced to offer her shelter in our underground bunker that we have specially constructed in the event a nuclear accident that results from the relocation of Trident missiles to a new Irish base that will be its home when Ireland becomes part of the UK.

So the message is clear. If you want an effective Ministry of Magic you should do the honourable and patriotic thing which is to vote for Ireland to become part of a fantastic outward looking empire, the greatest the world has ever seen.



 

Militant death-eating CyborGnats

New poll reveals strong support for the Reunion

Bliar O'Dougall
Campaign Dictator

An IPSOS-Mori poll specially commissioned by the UK Government for our eyes only reveals that there is now a growing support for Ireland's place in the United Kingdom. It shows a very sharp increase in support for the UK over just the last month. People are more and more aware of how unconvincing Alex Codd is in his claims that we are not too wee or too stupid.

I know people are busy tweeting with the hashtag #PublishthePoll but be patient we will publish it eventually probably after the only poll that really matters the referendum itself. Even if we do publish it before the referendum I, like Nick Clegg, would try to be a bit wary of opinion polls. But I can tell you that the poll is a good poll. It shows that many Irish people really really really really want to be British. So just be assured that the £50,000 that could easily have been spent employing an extra doctor in the part-privatised NHS or spent filling in potholes across Scotland is money that must have been well spent because having had a sneak preview of the polling result earlier I can tell it has given the people of Ireland fresh confidence that reunification with the UK will really give us the Best of Both Worlds and it is our duty as messengers of the truth to spread the glorious far and wide so even the most parochial bogtrotter will hear the word of the Lords.

It is now essential for the Gnats to join the convention in preparation for that glorious day of reunification. Codd cannot hide anymore even if he is finding success with his special Beyoncé diet because there are only so many places you can hide when you're as big as Big Bey. I however have nothing to hide because I've got nowhere to hide as a result of eating all of the office doughnuts. They don't nickname me Bliar O'Doughnut for nothing you know!

So please if you keep asking us when we're going to publish the poll you're wasting your time as we have no plans in the near future to publish the poll. We've already told you the results of the poll, why can't you just trust us? Anyway it's not our decision to be made to publish the poll, we take our orders directly from Whitehall and what Whitehall says is what goes. However, you can rest assure that we are telling the absolute truth when we say that the desire to be part of the United Kingdom is now stronger than ever among the Irish people. We are continuing to make the positive case for the Onion and this latest poll tells us we are getting our message across.

 

Whitehall patriotically holding the results of the top-secret poll earlier today.

This referendum is all about Alex Codd.

 Starring Alex Norton as Alex Codd

Narrated by Bliar O'Dougall

 

Can I first thank Alex Norton for agreeing to play the part of Alex Codd. Isn't it eck-straordinary how Alex Codd looks just like two of his Scotch namesakes, Norton and Salmond!

 

Anyway let us investigate the man who is guilty of making the Irish people believe they are 'better apart'. Alexander Elliott Paterson Codd was born north of Dublin some sixty years ago on the eve of a favourite Irish festival. He grew up to become a very talented magician and managed successfully trick the people of Ireland into believing they were better remaining as the separate country they are today. As a consequence of his master trickery the people of Ireland's true feelings of Great Britishness have been subdued. Only now that there is a referendum being held are people slowly realising that it is a mistake to believe Ireland should be a separate country. Ireland should become part of Britain and be West Britain forever and ever and amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alex Codd's belief in separation is as old as the hills - quite literally. He has been reincarnated over many generations since the formation of all the hills on the Emerald Isle, be that the Mourne Mountains, or Wicklow Mountains or the Magillycuddy's Reeks. All that time he has been believing passionately in Irish isolation. And because of isolation from good old glorious civilised Blighty the Irish have become a bunch of ungrateful bogtrotters.

 

Now Alex Codd has decided to play a game of smoke and mirrors by claiming that he is in fact fully mortal and won't really live to be more than a thousand years old. We know Alex Codd's a liar because he'll always say something different each year. Last year he told us he was 58 years old. This year he's telling us he's 59! But we know, as our entrusted zero-hour recruits have observed from their covert espionage operations, that Codd is in possession of the philosopher's stone. Therefore he is neither 58 nor 59. In fact his age is immortal. So if you vote for continued independence you will have Codd as your overlord dictator for ever! It's that simple. Vote for continued independence and Codd will turn Ireland into a national socialist dystopia where darkness will remain across the land non-stop for a thousand years. But by voting No and agreeing to join the United Kingdom you will all be happy bunnies because David Cameron will take good care of you and Iain Duncan Smith will make sure you get the opportunity to take part in the Workfare programme so you can enjoy the thrill of slave labour for several weeks on end. Furthermore, George Osborne will give you the pound so you are able to look at the Queen's face every time you reach into your pocket and Phillip Hammond will allow you to appreciate the contribution you can make to World Domination by entering one of the UK's great war zones in Iraq or Afghanistan.

 

 

 

Only one man, Alex Codd, stands between you and your dream of reunification with the distant relatives in Birmingham which you have refused to see because the law of political separation forces you to do so. In fact it forces you to believe there are passport controls north of Dundalk such is the master trickery of Codd that he is able to conjure up such mirages. But with full British reunification Codd's iron grip on the Irish mind-set will be broken and you will all realise the folly of going to your local pub every Saturday afternoon when instead there are some amazing games of cricket that can be played on the village green all weekend. You will still get to experience the joy of alcohol because Britishness means you'll be drinking plenty of Strongbow.

 

However, if you choose to stay independent Codd will discover a loophole in the law that allows him to make you all subservient and turn you into a population that is too wee and too stupid and so he can manipulate you to his every will.

 

So don't be charmed by Alex Codd because the British State is too great and glorious an empire to be missed.

 

 

Preparations being made for Codd's official residence post-Yes

 

 

Return to the United Kingdom or kiss the Blarney Stone goodbye

A couple of discoveries were made this weekend by researchers visiting the Blarney Stone. One was that there is chiselled into the stone the upside-down face of Brad Pitt. This was a jealously guarded secret by all of womankind which finally explains why so many of them tilt their head slightly to the left when kissing the stone. Isn't it funny how only the women knew it was there? The other discovery is that there is an eight-spoke cross on the underside of the stone with the letters HMGov. This is an extraordinary and important discovery because it means it is the property of the United Kingdom and therefore has to be repossessed by Her Majesty's Government in Westminster for storage within the UK's sovereign borders.

The Blarney Stone. Property of HM Government

Sadly that does not include the Republic of Ireland so Alex Codd's government will have to hand it back over the Irish Sea for storage in the Tower of London or otherwise cross-border trade will suffer and if that does not work in forcing Codd to hand over the Blarney Stone then the UK Government will have no choice but to invade the Republic of Ireland and bomb Shannon Airport until the stone has to be handed over for Londoners to kiss. And who can blame Londoners for wanting this so badly? They never travel west of the Reading Gap so they never get to kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Unless we reunite with Great Britain we will be obliged to lose the Blarney Stone and with it a key part of our tourism industry. The only way to keep the Blarney Stone is to be part of the United Kingdom.

There are many differing accounts of the exact history of the Blarney Stone. Alex Codd believes it was presented to King Cormac McCarthy by Robert the Bruce following the support he gave during the Battle of Bannockburn. Well, Alex Codd would believe that wouldn't he? He is in cahoots with the equally fishy Alex Salmond to not only keep Britain broken up but to extend it further to the removal of Scotlandshire from Great Britain. However we prefer to believe it was sent hurtling down to earth as a message from God above that if we dared to refuse union with Britain there would be further punishment. And so to show their loyalty to Britannia, people would kiss the stone and therefore feel secure that they had escaped the wrath of God. Of course this meaning has become lost in time and now the Nationalists are trying desperately to hide the truth. That is why the West British Labour Party have set up the Time Truth Team so that with generous donations from oil tycoons a team of WeBLab activists can be trained as archaeologists. They will study in greater detail the lines and grooves on the Blarney Stone to provide inconclusive evidence that the stone was a divine warning. And who knows, one day this might become the subject of yet another Dan Brown novel!

Members of the Time Truth Team 

If you care about the Blarney Stone make sure you tell your fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen that they will need to vote No to Ireland's continued independence from the UK. We are better back together because otherwise the world will end in a hail-storm of Blarney's siblings.

Eddie the Lizard: PLEASE DON'T STAY AWAY

Yemeni-born English comedian Edward Eckko, better known as Eddie the Lizard gave a superb speech yesterday urging the Irish to reject continued separation from mainland Britain. His plea was simple as he preached to the crowd of 50 politicians and converted reunionists at the Festival Theatre in Dublin: "Please don't stay away, please come back." Cue a stream of vile CyborGnats on twitter who branded him Eddie Geckko. I know we always put a G in front of the word nat when talking about nationalists but at least that's a silent G so why not be derogatory about people that want to keep our islands as separate nations? Eddie the Lizard is on the other hand a respectable London-based comedian who must be worshipped like a god and therefore all these insults come under the category of blasphemy.

At the event, Eddie the Lizard said "I feel frustrated as it is that I was born a Yeah-man and now I'm a Nor-man. I wish I wasn't so confused about my identity. Which is why I also want Yemen to join the UK. We had such a wonderful Empire, it made us a great nation. And by Ireland, India, New Zealand and the Maldives rejoining the UK then Irish people, Indians, New Zealanders and Maldivians can all enjoy the thrill of calling themselves 'British' and one day through Yemeni-British unification I too can stand in front of an audience at the West end and proudly say 'I was born and bred British and I'm proud of it!'

"You may remember I was in the cast of Valkyrie alongside Tom Cruise. I was playing one of Hitler's henchmen. And from my experience of playing the role and understanding the context of what motivated Adolf Hitler I could similarly apply this understanding to what motivated another and more contemporary Nazi - Alex Codd. Alex Codd is driven by obsessive Nationalism just like Mr Hitler but we over here in the future West Britain can stand tall and use the power of homogenous Britishness to drive back Alex Codd like we did against those Nazis all those years ago.

"You may have noticed I'm wearing Union-Jack painted finger nails. And you may have heard about the touch of death. Well thanks to this cunning idea I've had all I need to do to deal with those parochial nationalists is go up to them wave two finger nails in front of their eyes and at the shock of seeing the Union Jack they collapse. And then we can just hold them in detention until the referendum is over and the majority of Irish people left have proudly declared themselves 'British'"

If enjoyed that evening of light-hearted slagging-off Alex Codd and agree with Eddie the Lizard that Ireland is better back together as part of the UK please send doughnuts to us at:

Better Back Together (or else)
Hanover Square
Belfast
BT1 Nation

Time to consciously recouple!

By Alasdair Carraphael
UK Secretary of State for Irish relations

I am very proud to be Irish and British. Well, I'm British by virtue of being resident in Britain. But sadly my home country is foreign. Full of parochial paddies. But I am determined to change that by Ireland becoming a province of Britain. What an amazing site that would be. The tears would be streaming down my eyes when I look at an atlas and see all of Ireland covered in the same colour as Britain - prefereably yellow but we'll probably have to settle for blue.

I hate it when Alex Codd tries to mix patriotism with politics. Yes, we're the patriotic campaign for consciously recoupling Britain and Ireland. But that's different. When we fly the Union Jack high and proud that's not nationalism because British unity is a force for good as it goes all around the world telling people what they should do, how they should run their affairs and wandering into their countries fully armed to make sure they don't have an advantage over us in the nuclear arms race because Britain cannot be seen as lacking a superior nuclear arsenal. Oh and also when we're in those countries we make sure America gets adequate access to Middle Eastern oil. We can't deprive the Yanks of all that wealth they're entitled to now can we? Flying the Union Jack is not nationalism but flying the Irish tricolour without the Union Jack IS nationalism. Do the Irish nationalists not appreciate the privilege of dual identity that their ancestor's landlords were proud to possess before the peasants went and had their separate ways? I mean what is all this rubbish about a Partnership for Peace. Peace is for wusses. As part of the UK we will have all the power and prestige that comes with being a NATO country. Codd and Pike claim I am the Secretary of State against Ireland. That I am not Irish as I am really just a muppet. What would they know? They're just fish!

Let me be clear I am Irish. I drink Guinness and Bailey's, I wear wellies and I drive a tractor when I am in Ireland. But I am also British because when I'm in the South-east of England I drink Earl Grey tea and John Smiths, I wear freshly polished Charles Tyrwhitt shoes and I drive an expensive BMW. I want to make sure the Irish in my nominal constituency get to see all these things but because of separation nobody dares to import these things through Dún Laoghaire for fear that they'll be confiscated by the Garda. They fear they will be arrested for crimes against Irishness. I'm not tolerating this uncertainty anymore. Let's open up and be proudly British. Let's sing Land of Hope and Glory all they way from the Coleraine to Cork, from the Coast of Antrim to Connemara.

Let us consciously recouple. Let us be better back together as a region of precious Britannia.

Solidarity is as good a reason as any to be part of the UK

This weekend the Irish UK Labour Party held their annual conference in the fiery city of Waterford. Among the speakers, wannabe Foreign Secretary, Dobby Elf-O'Xander talks about the opportunities of solidarity that will come by sacrificing our independence.

 

 



"Can I thank our gracious donor David Guinness for the introduction. I'm sure David you will make an excellent Doctor Who once you finally get to be British.

Conference. Before I proceed. I would like to rubbish all these claims that I tried to stab my sister, Wendy House-Elf-O'Xander, in the back. We always fought as children, that's not in doubt but the most I would ever do to her was to poke her head down the toilet. Of course I didn't want her as leader of our party in Ireland, I know I can do a better job than her because I at least take the trouble to travel the world as part of my vanity project. But still would I honestly try and stop her being publically humiliated in front of Alex Codd?

Anyway. When I was over in London I was watching Sport Relief and there was Boyzone proudly partaking in a great British extravaganza. The sad thing about that however, was that they had to obtain Visas just to go over to London and perform. We are foreigners in a neighbouring country and we feel helpless to help people over there because they are not our compatriots. Ladies and gentlemen, this is simply not acceptable. We have the Tories imposing the bedroom tax on ordinary families all over Britain. It doesn't have to be like this and the solution to their problems on our part is surprisingly simple. We just have to vote No when asked if we want to remain separate in September 2020. By voting No we'll be able to help them by hard-working families in Ireland taking on the burdens of the bedroom tax and voting Labour in the 2025 General Election. Of course we hope Labour will win the General Elections in 2015 and 2020 but if not then hard-working Irish families can add to Labour's vote and Labour will win landslide elections and will be in power for ever and ever.

Now of course between becoming part of the UK in late 2020, early 2021 and the 2025 General Election we will have a few years of Irish families having to be charged the bedroom tax if we don't win the 2020 election and being sanctioned by the Jobcentre for only listing 29 steps a week when they have to list 30 steps a week in their jobseeker's diary. However, none of that will be a problem because Ireland will already have enough foodbanks stocked with donations of cheap junk food sent over by people in the Irish diaspora across the pond, the same people incidentally who used to fund the IRA so for once they will be doing some good.

Conference, I'm one of those Irish MPs lucky enough to hail from the part of Ireland that didn't choose separation and so I don't have to represent a constituency in England or Scotland. My Irish constituency is an actual constituency and not a nominal one. I'm very privileged to represent the people of Lisburn. But someone in Lisburn is no different to someone in Lancaster. Of course someone in Wexford is different to someone in Wakefield because they are foreigners to one another. It doesn't have to be that way. We can all one day enjoy the freedom of being able to march down the streets of Dublin with members of a local Orange lodge, flying a 6x3 foot Union Jack high above the air telling all the locals the significance of this flag which brings so many great feelings of prosperity to people all over the British Isles. Many thousands across the former British Empire are rich thanks to the great exploits that came from being part of Britain. Just such a shame those illustrious people were so greatly outnumbered in their own territories by rowdy separatists. Those separatists didn't know they were even born! And nor does Alex Codd and his awful Gnats. God forbid you'd think they didn't know places outside Ireland even existed. Alex Codd and Nicola Pike's band of Gnats are anti-English because by definition anyone that doesn't want their country to be part of the United Kingdom is anti-English. It's the same with Norwegians. They're all anti-Swedish because they don't want to be part of a Scandinavian union and likewise all Canadians are anti-American because they don't want to be in union with the USA. Ditto, the anti-Australian sentiment in New Zealand.

We must now fight mind, body, soul, tissue and toenails to reverse that dreadful decision made 90 years ago by our forefathers. How ridiculous of them to strip us of our British identity out of some grievances we really can't understand. I didn't exactly study Irish history when I was at school in Ulster, that simply wasn't British of the teachers so how do I know what their grudge is regarding the 1840's? Anyway the history we learned was so much more important like how Lord Kitchener told us not to be wimps and go out and patriotically fight for King and Country against those evil Germans and how those bloody sacrifices meant we didn't go to war again for another twenty years.

Conference, let us reclaim our rightful place in that amazing and most successful family of nations in all human history, the United Kingdom. We are Better Back Together."

Dobby posing with his soul-mate, St Douglas of Paisley

Codd Livers Oil

Ulster Dara Lean
Chairman

Clever isn't it? Codd Livers Oil. Basically these are the three things Alex Codd is obsessed with. He is obsessed with Liver of Midleinster, he is obsessed with oil in the North Atlantic and he is obsessed with himself.

Nothing wrong with supporting Liver of Midleinster. Since they are in my own nominal constituency I have, like life-long fan Codd, bought a season ticket to help Livers out of administration. I'm especially excited on derby day when they face local rivals from the other side of the Liffey, Caledonian. Since the excellent Terry Grocer took over as manager at Cals, fresh from Galway Hibernian Shamrock, I have of course new reasons to be worried on derby day. Hopefully though we'll see then end of the UBIGKOK saga which has caused so much trouble for Livers and the club's fans.

However, Alex Codd's obsession with North Atlantic Oil is ludicrous. See those rigs that seem to be drilling for oil and gas in the Corrib? Well they are really just an mirage caused by warm weather that travels up with the gulf stream. I mean how can Ireland be oil or gas rich? It makes no sense we only have peat bogs and Guinness, what use are those as exports? Anyway even if there are loads of oil and gas reserves in the Atlantic, they would just be a liability not an asset And it will all run out. So there. Ireland is too wee, too poor!

And as for being obsessed with himself, Alex Codd's narcissism is mind-blowing. I take great privilege from being a humble Thunderbirds puppet with David Cameron controlling my thoughts, words and actions. Gideon Osborne is doing a splendid job carrying on from where Alistair Darling left off as Chancellor of the Exchequer and I look forward to being an equally austere neo-liberal chancellor when Labour is re-elected in 2015, which I am 100% convinced will happen. I know that when I win a seat in England with Labour, Ed Miliband will replace Ed Balls with yours truly and then when 2020 comes and Ireland is reunified with Britain, Gordon Maroon will replace Ed Miliband as Prime Minister and my job will be secured for life. And no I am not displaying any self-obsession myself I am just stating what I firmly believe will happen, Labour will rise from the ashes and be a great and successful party that represents the interests of the South-east of England and allow Irish politicians the chance to contribute to the fortunes of the City of London.

So for those reasons I demand you vote No to continued separation from the United Kingdom.

Murphy announces split with Lidl

by Britt Ishnumbreighty
our Sports Officer

Better Back Together was saddened to learn today that Irish tennis hero Paddy Murphy has split from his coach of two years, Slovak-born Ivor Lidl.

Ivor Lidl overseeing the training of Paddy Murphy

It has seen Paddy enjoy some unprecedented success taking home many items of silverware though his collection sadly does not include any Grand Slams or Olympic Gold. This is something we hope will change when Ireland becomes part of the United Kingdom and then instead of being a loser as a result of being only Irish he can be a winner as a result of being British.

Indeed Ivor Lidl echoed our frustration by saying how his own country has suffered the trauma of a great split, the one that saw the Czech and Slovak Republics become foreign countries to one another.

"21 years ago", Ivor told us, "we saw the Velvet Divorce which meant where once me and Ivan Lendl were great pals and compatriots, fellow Czechslovaks, now we are bitter foreigners. So instead of being doubles partners we had to face each other on opposite sides of the net."

So today's announcement couldn't be all the more poignant as yet again Lidl suffers the end of a great partnership. But no doubt despite not yet announcing which way he intends to vote we all know Paddy will say that we are better back together as part of the UK since it means being able to feel that Wimbledon is now home-turf for Ireland's number 1 thus making him the perfect challenger as British number 80 to rapidly rise up the ranks to challenge Andy Murray for the top-spot thanks to his new found experience as a British winner.

Backstory to the Un-seperation Referendum

Ulster Dara Lean
Campaign Leader, Better Back Together

We are inseparable. That's what my grandfather once told me about our two great islands. He lived through those dark old times when we became a separate nation and that glorious feeling of Britishness departed our great land. I often asked him, what were those days like and he told me it was fantastic, everyone felt at peace so we aristocrats could carry on our daily business of looking down on our fellow Irishmen and Irishwomen and have them respecting us in our role. Those days are gone and now the Irish have a high level of self confidence that have meant the likes of my grandfather's family had to migrate to London for our careers. So instead of being born in Dublin, I was born an Englishman. Heck I just said the E-word! I mean I shouldn't be calling myself English, I wouldn't be seen dead saying that on the streets of Dublin. I can't call myself English because to say it is to exclude the Irish as my compatriots. I mean I feel for all those people throughout the two-thirds of the Emerald Island that don't have David Beckham, Kate Moss, John Bishop and Jeremy Kyle as their compatriots.

But there's a simple solution to that and it comes in the form of a referendum that will be held in 2020. As part of the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921 signed by both the Irish and British goverments a clause was included obliging the Irish parliament to hold a referendum within 99 years asking the Irish people if they wanted to return to the family of nations that is the wonderful and glorious United Kingdom. As you might expect Alex Codd tried to hide this information from the Irish people. Now we don't deny Codd and his INP won a thumping majority in the last Irish parliamentary elections in 2011 after my party's Irish leader, Sean White, fled from Dublin Connolly station and took refuge in a nearby Underground Sandwich Shop (or was it Greggs?). But that's no excuse for trying to hide information about the 99-year Referendum Clause from the Irish people. Eventually Alex Codd had no choice but to get round the table with David Cameron. And thankfully, as a result, the Dublin Agreement was signed. So we will hold the referendum six years from now (we wanted it sooner rather than later but concessions have to made).

David Cameron and Alex Codd enroute to the signing of the historic Dublin Agreement

 

The question that will be asked is:

Should Ireland remain an independent country

The two answers you can choose from are Yes and No.

This is the most important decision many of us will have to make.

In recent days myself, Gordon Maroon, Jean Bomoan, Anas Makewar and Margaret Berry have all been thrashing out plans for powers we will keep if you vote No and Ed Miliband wins the next UK general election. Shaun Davidson, who chairs the House of Commons Committee on Irish Continued Separation has not been taking part in this process as he objects to our proposals. However, I'm sure we'll be able to convince all of the other 250 Labour MPs that these power should and must be kept by the Irish Parliament. The Tories have their own plans which their Irish Leader Ruth Davidsdottir has unveiled but we disagree with them and of course Palpatine Campbell, with almost no input from Willie Gaviscon, has unveiled his own plans for a federal British Isles with himself as the Emperor. But the Lib Dems are unlikely to win more than five MPs so fingers crossed that Labour win the 2015 General Election by a landslide.

Show off your dream of a united Ireland subservient to a glorious United Kingdom

 

But we need the facts from the Nationalists. We need Alex Codd and Nicola Pike to explain why it is worth Ireland staying it alone when we have all the strength, all the security and all the clout that will come with being part of a much bigger nation than parochial, bog-trotting Ireland. Being part of the United Kingdom will make us feel great because being able to wrap yourself in blue, red and white creates a feeling of utter euphoria and is therefore an unspeakable privilege. We can't wave the Union Jack at present because we believe Alex Codd has banned any display of that glorious flag (at least that's what we think).

Please stop the Gnats from denying us the British pride that we are all entitled to. Tell your friends, family, colleagues, classmates, cats, dogs, horses and spiders that we will have the Best of Both Worlds as part of the United Kingdom.

Des Lynam joins Better Back Together

Although originally from County Clare, Desmond Lynam found his niche in County Down on its eponymous gameshow, CountDown. Until Richard Whitley's sad death it had been filmed in Leeds but when the producers of Yorkshire Pudding TV hired Des they discovered they accidentally agreed a contract with Des Lynam that made sure production of the gameshow was moved to a studio at Bangor in good old loyal Ulster. This allowed for more integration between UTV and mainland UK's independent TV networks so that Ulster's Channel 4 viewers could now be converted to a diet of Unionist propaganda. Whilst in County Down he also regularly guest-edited the local loyalist paper, The Daily Bangor Sandmash.

 

Des Lynam grandstanding in that great English institution, the BBC

 

Before that Des was presenter of the BBC's Grandstand showing all the great sporting action in England which we have been denied here in separate Ireland. Thanks to his, and only his influence, we got to watch these things on the RTE iPlayer. He was also a presenter of the BBC's coverage of the 1998 World Cup in France but declined to reappear four years later in Japan and Korea where both England and Ireland had qualified thus creating the discomfort of split loyalties, an experience matched only by Sven Goran Eriksson when England played against Sweden.

Born in 1942, Desmond Michael Lynam is old enough to remember the good old days when we were all together as one before those awful republicans decided to end our great loyalty to the British clown in 1949. He therefore qualifies for a full knighthood and already holds an OBE.

His experience in broadcasting has led to his impassioned belief that Great Britain and Ireland should once again be united as a single country and that Britannia should rule supreme over all Europe and even the World. This belief has driven him into strong right-wing politics and he is now a fully signed-up member of UKIP.



Des Lynam presenting another English sports show

Here's what he told our blogger:

"We really will have the best of both worlds as part of the UK. I live here in Brighton but my heart is back in County Clare. I don't want my heart and my body to be in two different countries, that's just weird!

I think Alex Codd lives in the past. I mean is he really right to complain about wrongs he thinks were done to the Irish when most of us believe it was all just an elaborately fabricated conspiracy to try and discredit the British government. And for all those people to leave our great and glorious United Kingdom for some other country that isn't even 250 years old when we've got all the great imperial history over here. People who complain about the Famine should remember that if it was really as bad as people say it was the Government would have spent a lot more on compensation for any misery caused than statues erected in Hyde Park, wouldn't they?

RTE is such a disappointment in Ireland. I mean you don't get any of the quality coverage that British television provides, Irish television is just so parochial and inward looking and even Mrs Brown and her Boys had to look east to the big island for their fortune. Not only that, as a consequence of separation, our esteemed Graham Norton is too young to enjoy the thrill of a knighthood.

So that is why I say No to Irish remain-separatism and Yes to British superiority over nasty neighbouring Europe. We are Better Back Together."

 

Des Lynam and Carol Vaudeville on the set of Game of Drones which is shot in Des's County Down Studio. It was started as a modern day version of a rival Ulster-based production that has a similar sounding name. Vaudeville appears here in costume as an American general.

If you agree with Des that Ireland should become part of the United Kingdom and adopt very British values then please please please please please join our campaign or donate every last penny you earn to us. You can also phone us by dialling 55378008 on your pocket calculator and turning it upside down.

Britain wins their first gold medal in the Paralympics....

.... thanks to someone who isn't from Great Britain.

God it gets confusing. But it just goes to prove how much more we can achieve when we are together. How many athletes has a separate Irish Paralympic Association sent forth to compete? Zilch. Nul. None. Absolutely nobody.

Congratulations Kelly for becoming GB's first Winter Paralympic Gold medallist.

One day she will also be our champion thanks to a decision we will make to re-join the UK.

 

We here at Better Back Together all congratulate Kelly Gallagher from Bangor Sandmash in CountDown on her extraordinary achievements on the White Caucasian mountains despite the fact that they are now rapidly turning green, we can only marvel at it. And someone else who is rapidly turning green - green with rage - is Alex Codd. And that's not just because he's gearing up for a great nationalist St Patrick's Day debacle! The sight of an Irish athlete singing God Save the Queen at full gusto, wearing Team GB colours, standing beneath the Union Jack must make him utterly cringe with disgust but ultimately fear as he realises that people throughout the separate Irish state are missing out on the great opportunity of winning a medal in downhill skiing.

St Patrick's Day is fast approaching but we mustn't let Alex Codd and his band of parochial nationalists from hijacking the occasion. We must urge them all to neutralise the vast sea of  tricolours with equally proud displays of Union Jack bunting across every street with a whole line of tables and benches stretching the whole length of the street serving ham sandwiches, sausages rolls, empire biscuits, orange squash and Earl Grey* tea possibly with the option of jam tomorrow on your sandwiches but always buttered together.

And if there has to be something alcoholic served with all that may I suggest a wonderful selection of our finest English sparkling wines fresh from the west country to prove just how much we love England and want to call their wine our wine.

Blair O'Dingle
Managing Director

Let's toast both St Patrick's Day and Team GB's success in style

 

 

 

*Due to our great respect for all British Prime Ministers past and present we always use capital letters in any reference to their names